A Little Corner On The Dark Side

A wonderful breakfast porridge, irresistible little pastries, sweet tropical fruits that melt on your tongue.

A little escapee for those that wish it. The weather this time of the year warm and inviting. The smell of the mangos ripe on trees, harvested by dark little natives. 

As a father climbs up on a rock with a machete, his little boy walks up to me. 

He asks a question in Tamil, if I was in fact lost. 

My eyes widened at the child, I didn't quite answer. The fabric of my shorts itched.

He plucked one of the gathered mangos from his pouch and skillfully cut it with a sharp knife. The mango a hedgehog, the boy ate it in front of me, and offered me the pit. 

I grasped the pit in my hand, feeling the weight of it. 

I said to him a phrase in Mandarin, he willfully nodded. The leaves of the sweet-smelling trees rattled in the wind. 

I kneeled and dug into the Earth with my bare hands. His father came by on the boy's shoulder. 

With the sugary pit in hand, I saw a thousand little worker ants go about their business. I dug further. The boy and his father watched. My taste on my tongue was funny. 

Earthworms and millipedes, little dirty pebbles. 

They stood respectfully and at full attention, the boy a gleeful eyes.  My fingernails raw.

I dug further. 

The bedrock had came, the sky had darkened. A cool breeze washed over the landscape. I stood at the end, and I dug, and dug, and dug. 

Emerging from a little corner on the dark side, I sit at my laptop, typing. It is 1:30 pm.

This side a bit more non-carbonated and caffeine free, the fruits not as fresh. Realizing the scope of the work abreast, and all of the worldly distractions at hand, I hit publish.

Moments

One disappointment after another. Is it time to grow a thick skin?

That is inevitable, but for you there is a fundamental change as important as breathing air itself.

Live life for the moments.

That kiss, that hour passed by in the blink of an eye, those eyes as deep as ocean, the silly putty you. That one moment.

You look back on life one day as an old man. Nothing you did in your life matters, not your accomplishments.

You remember but your moments. 

Those people you shared them with. All the negative, all of their indifference now, all of their hatred if need be. None of those things they think of you matters. 

You only keep those memories. The most sweet, heart-warming ones when you are on earth smelling every blade of grass and taking every hint of perfection on this cloud with that person. If only for a little while.

That you keep close to you. 

This is for me again and again

But they will never take away my dreams.

This is for me again

My only goal.

- To survive.

JC

What an insane situation is like

It's not a disbelief. You don't just cry, you do that later on in unsuspecting times. Crying is for the movies, when you are in truly deep shit, you don't cry, you sit there a lot hoping to cry. Hoping to let it all out.

The mind is an amazing machine, I feel the calmest as I have been ever in my life. I am fearless at what seems to be petty things facing an already near impossible situation I am in. Women, success, fuck it. Those things are easy compared to this, and your escape is reaching for success. Because now, your water truck of chance has suddenly became a half empty bottle of water, and you don't have much room for error. You stop fucking around, you take responsibility.

I feel motivated more so than ever before in my life to do work. I work as a photo editor at my campus newspaper, and I have never been so happy to work in my life.

I try to avoid sitting in my room alone too much, then I think of what's happening at home and the historical court date that will ultimately decide my family's fate.

I will be here, you think to yourself. You are the strongest you have ever been in your entire life, your mind has helped you cope. You have your inspirations, and you think of petty situations where people have cried MUCH, much longer.

You surprise yourself for being so calm. You live day by day, and you worry about your loved ones more than anything. It isn't a movie thing, their lives are of monumental importance. You live now to see them live happily, in all your possible power, because you realize how very fragile things are.

Here I am, I forge day by day. I know the worst is yet to come, but I do not fear it as much as I thought I would. This is your mind going into survival mode.

I think I have reached adulthood. Not quite the most pleasant way possible, but I did.

This is my insane situation.

Cheers,
JC

The family is a unit

Despite all hardships and despite everything material, the family is the most essential unit there is in society.

Money can be remade, properties and business rebuilt, lives put back together again. But the family must stay together.

In the end, that's all that matters. It is your purpose in life to keep it together, to love each other. Everything else is moot.

How my Chest Feels

"Live bravely but with a meticulous heart."
-Mom

There are bigger things that are totally out of my control right now. And they ever infuse me more with a vigor to live and love for others.

My dad is still, his hands does not shake. My mom is calm, she only finds solutions.

I once thought I knew everything there is to know about them, but I have never known them as much as I do now.

It's a tough going, it's a tough life.

I'm so glad they told me so.

-JC

Sailing

I love this blog, I shed my emotions and lifeblood onto here into a form for all to see. I have nothing to hide, nothing to hold inside me, nothing to be ashamed of. And I write here because I know my blog is a bit more quiet now to use as my sanctuary.

As of now its pass midnight of Jan 31st, 2008. It's been a year since I had my first taste with a college relationship. Time has passed and lessons cherished and I feel like I'm back at the beginning again.

Of course it hurts, I still feel like theres much more to go. But I have so much direction in my goals right now, my focus is set and stronger than ever before.

Empires and Gods taken down by a woman. I don't ever stop though, I will not ever give up. I will be out there as honest as I can be without holding anything back.

I am this person, I keep trying and putting myself fully out there. Nothing will ever change me, because I know I will always be looking for more.

Thank you Michelle for the wonderful time. I do not feel bad, I do not look towards anyone for my happiness anymore. You have given me the belief that I can be liked for just being my silly potty JC.

I thank you for buying me lunch and those soft kisses.

I won't forget it. But for now, I ponder once more into the unknown. I search the high seas looking for a new island, and the currents are treacherous but I have sharpened my sailing instruments and instinct.

I look for my alabaster love once more when the storms clear.

-JC

Throwing away something Beautiful

To break down a human being into a set of preconceived equations and formulas is wrong and unrealistic.

This is why I love psychology but will never be a psychologist. I just can't imagine doing this for a living. But back to the point I want to make here.

Lately, it feels like I have awoken from a long slumber.

And I am not here to change anything, I am not here to disagree with status quo, it's just the way things are that I see as the biggest tragedy of being human. But it helped me connect with the world, and understand it as more (for the lack of a better word) human.

I see people constantly throwing away something beautiful in their lives.

Left and right of me, people I look up to, people I love, people who are much better looking than me, people from different backgrounds, weathly people, the mentors in my life. Basically, I see this with almost every person I have connected with for at least a while.

And from everything, a career, a relationship, anything they don't feel like they deserve. It's like those lotto winners, who blow their millions in an intense period of spending and a year later they are at the exact same wealth level if not less.

I understand, I think, it's a self-protecting mechanism that our emotions set for us. We are presented with a role we are not ready to play, perhaps unconciously. And we throw that way as quickly as possible without giving it a chance.

It reminds me of something I have read not too long ago, its a study about the difference of kids who are praised for smart and kids who are praised for their hard work as they were being raised.

The ones that are showered with compliments about them being smart, wouldn't do anything that they are not smart at, and they disqualify themselves before they even try. Because they simply cannot give themselves room to potentially fail at something, and insist that they aren't quite as smart as their parents raised them all their lives to be. They would rather be smart than to be seen as a failure. That's understandable.

Those who are complimented by their parents for their hard work are given the same problem as the smart kids. But they see it as a chance to improve and challenge themselves. They feel hard work can transcend everything and any problem, and often, these are the people that are most successful in our society.

But what does that have to do with throwing away something beautiful?

Perhaps if a nickel was given to me everytime I see a couple that seem to click and they seem perfect for each other and then seeing them breakup a short period later, I would be living at the Plaza Hotel and eating steak every night.

I guess this is why bankers date bankers, poor date the poor, celebrities dating celebrities.

Do you see the correlation now?

You aren't just born this way. There's a way to change, provided you believe that you deserve it. The world is a malleable place, just as much as you are. Play the role. The rich person, the successful person, the seductive personality, the sensual lover, the hardened journalist, the father, mother, the smart person. Try it, taste it, don't just get rid of it.

I am one of those that is still trying to convince myself sometimes. Why does this person like me for who I am? What do I have going for me?

Then starting today, I tell myself. Knock it off kid. Just go along with it stupid, and don't throw away something so beautiful.

Why shouldn't you deserve everything?

Coming Soon

I am starting a photoblog where I will document the street life, subways, and urban decay of nyc. It will give me an opportunity to see and capture vivid little slices of this wonderful city and be a springboard to my photojournalism career. I can't wait myself!

Soon...

JC

Conversation

God and I in space alone
and nobody else in view.
"And where are the people, O Lord," I said,
"the earth below and the sky o'er head
and the dead whom once I knew?"


"That was a dream," God smiled and said,
"A dream that seemed to be true.
There were no people, living or dead,
there was no earth, and no sky o'er head;
there was only Myself -- in you."

"Why do I feel no fear," I asked,
"meeting You here this way?
For I have sinned I know full well--
and is there heaven, and is there hell,
and is this the Judgment Day?"

"Nay, those were but dreams,"
the Great God said,
"Dreams that have ceased to be.
There are no such things as fear or sin;
there is no you -- you never have been--
there is nothing at all
but Me."

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox


We constantly keep working on our souls, the cars, the money, the women. We fight each other and kill one another and it just hurts so much afterwards and we can't figure out why. But we are one, we are all one being. Just a wave of desire to exist.

If we really are separate from each other, why aren't all people born the same? Some born short, blind, why aren't all women born models? Why aren't all men born tall? It's an optical illusion therefore, and we all brought into it. My spiritual guru put it this way, loneliness is an illusion, and the only way to realize that is through meditation. I haven't found out myself because I haven't meditated on a regular basis, but you eventually start to realize, all those things you see are not really you, there is nothing permanent, and you are nothing but momentum; of cause and effect.

When you die, your body goes back to the earth, to the soil, you are a part of the universe and everybody is too.

There is no heaven, there is no hell. Those are illusions. What happens to your consciousness when you die? I don't know, I haven't found enough experience to find that out for myself yet.

What happens to the physical part of you when you die, gives us some clues. You can examine it through science and forensic tools, but why do we completely deny the ancients? Do we think just because we are here and they are not, that we are really smarter than them? Are we really open minded then?

Eugene said that when you die, your desire to exist makes you reborn, and so is your karma, your habits and your way of thinking.

Theres not really a significant need if you change your thought patterns and open up your mind that all this, this self improvement, this desire to be with a women, in the long run does NOT define you at all. Therefore, it should not consume you whole and keeping thinking that you aren't happy.

I was defensive towards spirituality in the beginning and this is the first time I blogged about it openly. I took a little chance, I opened my mind. Does that mean I'll become a monk now? Does that mean I'll stop my self improvement now?

No, that's ridiculous. Is Richard Gere a monk? Are all Muslims fanatics?

People can close their mind and call it hogwash, but why let people tell you that your favorite car wax sucks?

It works for you doesn't it?

The Bare Minimum

I refuse to be a wage slave.

I say again, I refuse to be a wage slave.

If you were a mouse in a maze with an bite-sized piece of well-aged Wisconsin cheese at the end.
Two choices.

For one, you can navigate the maze, led by the tantalizing smell, you use your intuition and wits and through lots of hard work and effort you will eventually come to the famed prize at the end of the maze. Another choice is to train and train your legs to jump and jump over the walls, curse the person who put you in the maze and search his house for the big fucking hunk of cheese, still carefully wrapped in it's package.

That's how I felt recently after reading an article by Steve Pavlina about ten reasons that you SHOULDN'T get a job, and after a little bit realization myself as I met people.

Are the people who work in offices and hourly wages are there by choice? Perhaps most of them aren't, my parents definitely weren't. They had the cultural revolution and all that, and my dad coming from a working class and my mother coming from a more entrepreneurial, business-y background.

They have different mindsets, but I believe in their generation, there wasn't much choice considering the consequences.

Today, (presuming you live in a capitalistic society) there is a lot more choice. A new generation of "new" millionaires are springing up, standards of living are high, and luxury items once reserved for the royalty or wealthy are now affordable by the common people. Medicaid, financial aid. High and nigh there are many opportunities to make it happen.

I turn around and see people, and because I was once like that too.

We tend to have tunnel vision that job security comes from a job that pays by the hour. We work in cubicles and we don't see a visual difference in the work we do, most of us don't see a vaccine that we invented saving many lives, inventing a new lasting light bulb, or fusion, all it is, is at the end of the day, we see our paycheck.

We want to leave a mark on the world that we and others can see and be proud of it at the very least.

Perhaps whatever you are doing makes you happy, perhaps you are perfectly content with your job because you get to see the world, get backstage passes, and travel to exotic cities and meet many, many women of different nationalities. Thats great too, as long as you are happy.

But I bet we can identify with that rat in the maze, except the maze of life is much, much longer and difficult to navigate. We smell the cheese, which is the dream of attaining the ultimate happiness in life. But we are stuck, navigating the maze and it is hard. We get frustrated and we don't know how much longer we have to find our way or if we are even going the right way.

I been reading some synergistic books on wealth, health, and self improvement lately. The good stuff, the ones that don't just come highly recommended but are classics in their own category.

I am not sure what other people do to get by, but from what it seems, most people seem to have a very narrow and safe path. For example, I rarely see people take the initiative to even meet their neighbors in my dorm, and people don't talk to the students they sit with for the entire semester.

Most people see the world through tunnel vision, they have one path to go, one girl to call, one career, one investment, one paycheck to live.

I am young, I never held a full-time job, but I have worked my ass off at a part-time job at my father's restaurant. I didn't enjoy it, I couldn't imagine myself or other people enjoying working at such job, but I really appreciate and hand my most utter respect to those people who do it because they keep the gears of society well oiled and moving.

Without them, we wouldn't have what we have.

As Steve Pavlina said, what is job security when you can get laid off at any second?

I don't think I am them, I see myself as more than that. I will be happy.

Isn't life suppose to be happy?

From the reading I have been doing and just seeing other people make their move in the world, I am convinced that I can do great. I can do extraordinary. If I just put that little effort in to train my legs, make them stronger, more agile, and be able to jump for the big hunk of cheese.

But doing that requires effort, and an unwavering vision. A willingness to take pain, to stick through with something for the long term.

I think it's not the consequences and conditions we live in this day and age that says who we will be in the future. There's no great war, no global disease to speak of, and for the first time in the history of the world, the power is in our hands to have anything we want as long as we BELIEVE it can be possible and WORK towards it.

I think that if these people see what they can accomplish, see the potential of what they can do, we all can have anything we want, be anything we want.

Of course, society won't let us do that. In order to keep it moving, there has to be people that sweat and live by the hour. There are people that aren't simply suppose to even know they hold this much power. The unlucky majority.

I don't want to be a gear, I am armed with this knowledge, this belief, and I will not let it go to waste. Perhaps now you have a little bit of this knowledge now as well, I hope I can at least spark a tiny bit of a billionth fraction of what you can be are truly capable of.

Start picking up synergistic books, it took me a while to realize how much power we can have just by knowing.

Some recommendations, add Steve Pavlina's Personal Development blog to your bookmarks, T. Harveker's Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, Fantastic Voyage by Ray Kurzweil, David Allen's Getting Things Done, The China Study by T. Colin Campbell, and of course How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Next time you order coffee at a diner, give the waitress a larger tip not because she is very attractive but because you know that without her, we wouldn't have many of the things we have.

I also suggest this, everyday you wake up, when you're ordering your coffee, no matter where you stands in terms of social skills, make small talk or compliment the Starbucks bartistas (or whatever coffee shop you're in). I was pretty social for a year and had great success, and somehow became a hermit in the last few months, but I was getting my dinner at 7-11 today and asked what town I was in. The clerk merely gave me a smile and asked where I was going, I said Stony Brook, he said that was a little far and we shared a chuckle.

The exchange felt organic, I feel alive. Only if we had more of those to start our day.

Mom

"When people compare themselves with others, they only compare themselves to death."


Be happy with yourself now, you ARE good enough, you ARE amazing.
Find happiness in doing the things you love, learning and changing at your own pace.

Forget what other people say or do, or tell you what you should do. Do you live your life for them or for you?

Nobody can take that way from you.

This is for me

I am logging this on a public blog because it would pressure me to follow through with it. Here are a few goals I want to set in the next few months, it's going to be dense as possible and packed, but not unreasonable.

-Socialize, stay proactive.
-In approaching ANYBODY, there is to be no agenda.
-Join at least one school organization (that I find enjoyable) the week I get back from Spring Break
-Revitalize "Project Snowmaiden"
-Smile! Everywhere...
-Call up old friends and have really nice conversations and wish them them a happy one.
-Find a Violin teacher, play at the conservatory of music in the summer.
-Wake up at a fixed alarm time, lets say... 7am. Sleep when you're tired, if you're not, get out of bed and do something.
-Publish Article to Statesmen school newspaper
-Chill with your brother more, influence his teenage years, come home more often, he looks up to you.

Conversational Screening Traits and questions-
Adventurous
Nurturing
Creative
Open-minded

Trying out things you can't pronounce the name of at an exotic restaurant, Kids, Writer.

JC

A Life Beyond They Shall think

Having a great friend speak to me today is one of the best things to happen in the last few years. I didn't realize it at the time but then I awoken from a nap just now and I realize the significance of he said. I felt direction, I felt focus, I didn't need to scour the internet finding a quickie solution and keep depending and finding people anymore on what to do and where to go.

I don't feel like I have to strap dynamite to my feet and jump off the Top of the Rock, it feels simple what I have to do.

It is as simple as it is effective and deadly.

Let me give you a short background of him. His name is Chris, 26 years old, and he is a former Marine that served in Iraq, he quit as a personal trainer because he told me although it was making him a ton of money he wasn't happy working with his rich, snobby clients. He decided to do something he finds enjoyable, money isn't the end it all he saids, happiness is.

He likes history and wanted to be a history teacher in high school, he wants his classes to be extraordinary learning experiences far away from lifeless lecture halls, and told me when he teaches the revolutionary war, he would take them out to the field, dress them up one side redcoats and minutemen and train them and have them play the roles of the soldier to get a little taste of what it was like.

He is an avid surfer for 11 years and loved living in 2 years in Wales when he was in the Marines because the beaches there are awesome. He works as a lifeguard every summer because its a great feeling to sit on the beach, reading a book with the ocean breeze washing across your face and you occasionally get to save somebody.

Thats the little of what I know about him biographically from what he has told me. He told me when I asked him about it, otherwise he listens to me bantering on and on about my problems. Bless him, I try to be positive, but there are times that I do vent, but he seems to like hearing about what I have to say and apply his own perspective to it. It's rare anybody listens anymore instead of bragging about themselves or being self centered.

In a college with 14000 people, genuine people are a needle-haystack. I have met many people here, and people occasionally tell me I know everybody here just because I say hi to those I have briefly talk to or are in my classes. They aren't what I can call friends because either they are too busy (friendships need time to fuel) or that I don't find them genuine. This place feels like a softer, safer microcosm of the real world. People are constantly trying to gain status, if not by money and influence here then by sexual prowess.

Guys telling me stories (ABOUT THIS ONE TIME, YO MY FRIEND, THIS CHICK) and I can feel subconsciously that he is bragging. Girls being self centered and keep complaining about a guy they wanna fuck and hooking up.

I start drowning, because I value people who listen and relate. Those people are the gems and treasure of our society. They are the anonymous superheroes not unlike Superman that exists not in Gotham or Metropolis but here in the real world.

I wrote that innocent lost post because everything thing in a college dorm life seems upside down and even the girls here are crazy and promiscuous. I grew up in a fairly conservative Asian background and was given a lot of love and romanticism of the world, and I truly believed in it until now. Although, my mom occationally warned me to be careful, you shouldn't reveal your closest secrets to even your closest friends. And it gave me a little dark, conspiracy that I didn't believe until I became older.

Coming here, I felt like I grew up, you learn to live with people you don't like, things don't go your way, you are out of close friends and social support for the first few months. You learn to get hardened by things that suck so you'll stop complaining and really appreciate what good luck and fortune really is.

I'm glad I found a direction today. I found to admire a lot of his opinions and views of the world, and he saids that we're in the same category.

We are people who don't belong in a certain group of people or associate themselves with any one activity or thing.

We tend to bounce around and hang out with every group back in high school, if the footballers threw a party, we'll fit in. The skaters, we fit in. If the nerds had a party, we'll go there too and fit in.

People tend to look for leadership, they flock to other people and join their groups. Because there is always going to be one guy in that group that tells them what to do and what next, its a natural human thing.

While living in England for two years with the Marines, Chris would go off to the city and just ride the tube and walk around the city by day when he had off, and at night he would call up his friends and hit the pub and hang around with them.

He walked around and rode the subway and found interesting things and interesting people to meet. He eventually found something really fun to do and invited his friends to do it with him and they would follow his lead. "Do you want to come do this thing with me today?" Yes they would say, and that would be it. He'll be suddenly a leader and showing them around.

The thing I learned from this, people are leaders simply because they had nothing to do and just started doing something... anything and then others started following them.

People need direction, and they would rather find a well established leader instead of doing something nothing by themselves.

All of the people I met here have complained about finding nothing to do on campus, they go home on the weekends and when they stay they will stay in their rooms on the computer doing absolutely nothing. No WONDER why they complain.

I will do anything now to get out of nothing, next weekend when I'm staying over the weekend on campus, I am going to walk... just walk around the surround town of Stony Brook. Find places, find interesting things, views, perhaps bring a camera, and just walk and being happy being alone unless I happen to run into an interesting person along the way. Perhaps we have a good conversation, then perhaps this person could tell me what he or she will like to do around the town or something interesting about it. Then I will have either made a new friend or I would have found something interesting on my own I could invite others to see, or I could simply have a very pleasant walk around this quiet little town and take some of the scenery and fresh breeze in.

I am applying the same to life. I will no longer sit here and do nothing, but I will find something. Nothing is an illusion, boredom is caused by being dependent on other people for our pleasures.

Be your own leader, get out and do... anything. If you're near a city, walk around the city and look for things that interest you... take risks... talk to interesting people... if anything it is better to experience the world than to complain about it.

I can't begin to tell you how many applications that this attitude has towards all walks of life.

Be your own leader, others will follow.

I thank you Chris, for being a great friend and being totally genuine and confident around me, thank you for being such an inspiration. I thank you Eugene, for encouraging my writing and giving me a drive to push it better and better.

I found a good direction now.

The Airplane!

Here goes, we are going to discuss the fabric of nanofibers on accelerated anti-matter based broad space spectrum. Enjoy. (The title is just a punchline and will come later).

Now for all seriousness. I been feeling desperate and rather lonely for the past few months that I have moved into the dorming life, and it wasn't until very recently that I stumbled across the root of the problem by chance.

Acceptance (and Love) comes in all shapes and forms, but it is as vital as a resource to our bodies as the water we drink and the pepperoni pizza with mushrooms we eat.

I found whenever I came home from school, I felt like a warm blanket was wrapped around me. It was just a feeling indescribable, home was so warm, so welcoming, so right. It is this layer of familiarity and love that I felt missing while I was at the college having no close friends and not getting the success I wanted with pretty girls.

I remember what theBirthdayPony said about the mindset of "Not wanting a women for the rest of your life". I see it's power and I revel in it's sweetness, I can call a girl or three and not be attached at all to the outcome because I am detached. My ego is removed from her responses. I don't NEED her to respond, to hang out, to cuddle, to have sex with.

I met two cool Israeli cats whom I play ping pong and smoke hookah with that I can call my good friends. One of them is an amatuer photographer and another is a semi-womanizer, and we went to explore the dark abandoned building that was a nightclub for graduate students right here on our campus (spooky place, we heard noises).

My close friends from back home called me and we had a chat (both of them) that lasted at least an hour long each. Then I bonded with my suitemates over the poker table and we sat and laughed and I founded a gym buddy among them. People I can call my friends for the first time here despite the countless acquaintances I bumped into here.

I sit here now and I don't feel bad about not having a woman in my life, my love and acceptance comes from good friends and family. Nobody could ever take them away from me. I based my acceptance on the prowess of getting women the first few months here because I thought it would be so cool to have guys see me every night in my room with the door closed and making noises.

I won't lie, but going through my gmail account and seeing all those advertisments and newsletters for seduction and dating advice, I realize they all prey on your insecurity. You're not good enough, you're not attractive enough, you're movie date sucks, take her on a roller coaster to replicate the feelings of danger, the workshop is only available only for one more week and discounted prices, take more chances... etc.

First of all, you need to accept yourself first.

Your sense of ego shouldn't be dependent on the success of women or what other people tell you. Your sense of acceptance and love should be based on your family, friends, and people who really like you. You need to have something you are working towards, a goal, hobbies, working out at the gym to become healthier. Write a fucking poem, a short story, a verse, a novel if need be. Your life has to have a sense of purpose and you must like your sense of purpose.

If you do not accept yourself first, and you try to peddle your toe in the pool that is women than I swear to you that you will be destroyed before you know it.

Once you finally accept yourself, then only then can you dip into the dating life. You are independent from women, you don't NEED them, you only want them, it's a bonus. You are completely satisfied without them, you can live life and still be happy.

I texted messaged a chick, I don't care if she responds. I canceled an offer for sex last night. I had one too many Bailey's and Guinness's anyway. I don't NEED anything other than to be happy with myself.

Think of it as water and food on the famous Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. You need food and water before you can go for the higher things. You need friends and family to love yourself as much as you need food to survive. So have that, and make sure you love yourself enough before another person would want to love you.

Thanks for reading, let me talk about the airplane.

This is fun, I discovered this recently and it works especially for the more carefree and playful people out there. Meet a girl, chat, then as you're walking with her laughing and having a good time... it's time to... meet the... AIRPLANE!

Warn her.

"Uh oh, guess what?"
What?
"Airplane time!"
Whaaaaaa?
"Too late!"

Proceed to grab both her shoulders with your arms and stand behind her, then push her around, making airplane noises, until she tells you to stop. Which could be a while because she's laughing her ass off and both of you are having the grandeur time of your lives.

Forget everything else, all the rules, standards, work, pressures, stress and just let you and your lady friend a chance to be a kid again. Even if just for that little moment. She'll appreciate what you can give her that no other man has a chance to dare to. Two little children in the big playground that is the world.

It's been empirically proven... yo. :-)

20

Hey cool, I'm twenty. Not a teenager anymore, but not offically a legal adult. Stuck in the middle, a interdimension. Lol.

Thanks everyone who are friends, thank the family and all the dead ancestors whom without I wouldn't be here, thank my few old enemies, thank all the people I spoke to on the street, on the train, in classes, passing notes, not remembering my old name, the cool cats in the community, the girls that just didn't work out with, my computer, my dead goldfishes, little buddha, Charles Swartz, Charlie Brown, my Ping Pong opponents, thanks Xbox Live, thanks overpriced totalitarian Stony Brook meal plan, thank Greenwich village for being so awesome, thanks my mini-romances on the LIRR, thanks my fasination with photography, and thank the many more people I will annoy, bother, push, shove, cry, argue, but eventually converse, chat, hug, kiss, cuddle, and love.

I'm a private eye this year btw. Here comes 21 passing by so soon to even tell you that I'm allergic to alcohol. Good night, and good fucking luck.

A bit of a downer, tic tacs nevertheless

I am writing for fun, or when I learn something, but today, I decided to write to offset a drought of good emotions for the week.

I was hermitting in my room last night, occasionally playing a shooting game called Red Orchestra and letting the campus network lag get the best of me. That night, I had the opportunity to meet some girls and their friends that were coming over to my friend's dorm, go to a nightclub called Mist, or go to a nearby frat party. A fully loaded night. I was going to go at first, but then a spike of wanting and loneliness hit me like never before. It felt like the downer at the middle of the week, and these bad thoughts have been bathing in my head recently.

You know, I have never actually felt this low with seemingly no problem with me at all. I mean when my mother was in the hospital for a critical condition around 6 years ago, I felt the same way, but that was with a purpose, my mother, the strongest and most alpha person I have ever met in my life is falling really sick. I had a reason to feel bad, I was young too, I was confused.

Now I am going away to college here at Stony Brook University in Long Island, and the first few weeks were wild, I explored the enormous campus and got excited about the brand-new and rigorous journalism they have here, I met some old friends from childhood that we relinked, played some table tennis and tried out the Nintendo Wii for the first time, played Beer Pong for the first time and even cuddled with girls and messed around. I should be happy? What happened?

With that all said and done, I think I can see why I am feeling down at the moment. It feels like a mellow and dark cloud in your head, sucking away at your energy, enthusiasm, and youthfulness. I am not use to feeling down like this, this is actually new for me.

I didn't want to do anything last night, I just decided to stay in my room and hang with my suitemates, then I got a text message that one of my female friends was having sex with this dude she had been eyeing for a long time. And of course, most people play it cool, but it's not a good feeling to be sitting in my room while I know one of my attractive friends is getting laid.

It's been a extremely stressful week, I have readings that I am missing by a few hundred pages, a novel by Alexander Pushkin I have to complete, news articles for my beat reporting class due, deadlines by next week, file my FAFSA, and find my receipts because my debit card had been stolen lately. Complete lack of exercise and lack of sleep from my roommates. Then I had a bit of a girl problem, and got rejected. Anthony also had been pushing me this week and telling me I am not practicing enough and giving it all I got. At least 3 approaches a day he saids, at least a minute of conversation in between too!

It's hard to be socially proactive when you don't feel like talking to anybody. But I tried pushing myself into some unreactive interactions but I did make two new female friends that were pretty darn cool.

I can try to act unfazed and cool, but I am not. This shit hurts, it kills productivity. You feel low, and suddenly start acting emo and write stuff on your blog. :)

Yeah, its painful. But I realize after sleeping and swimming in it, it's time to get out. Stay proactive, get on top of my grades, and DO something!

I am going to put on my headphones right now and put on my favorite tunes. Music is such a therpautic healer, perhaps I'll start with a soft song with lofty female vocal. Then something with a quicker and cheerier beat, to awaken my spirit. Perhaps I could end it with something intense and rapid that could excite the synapses in my brain and uplift my soul.

Music is one of the most amazing things that humans have discovered and will be with us indefinitely, it gives us the motivation to survive in times of hardship and we express joy through music when we are happy.

Next, I am going to get my ass up and do something. Anything. Eat something, put on a fresh shirt, take a shower, go out for a jog. You will continue to feel like shit if you just sit there and do nothing.

I have learned that a lot of downers and depression is because that I am sitting there and just thinking too hard on what I should have done and how much I suck. Getting up and doing something else works, it will get you motivated and at least a little happier now that you are getting something done (like breathing fresh air or getting neglected food energy for your body!).

Now that I am up, call a friend!

We are created as social creatures, and sometimes simply talking to somebody will snap you right out of it and feeling great again. The best times of my life are when I am talking, laughing, joking over stupid shit with my friends.

Love, accepting, all those things that friends provide.

By this time I am up and on to take on the world, wondering why I was so down in the first place, smiling at people walking by, and sharing your enthusiasm for life.

Depression and downers are temporary, a lot of people can't seem to realize how petty what it is they are depressed over and that you could be feeling so much better. For example, just writing on my blog and listening to French pop made me feel so much better.

If you guys don't have a blog, start one, it feels good to have some place where you can express yourself and your mood once in a while. Perhaps a journal if you'll prefer. Then tell me about it, I'll love to read all about it!

I am going to get a shower right now, eat something and take on my tasks for the day.

Being down is a part of life, everybody goes through it once in a while, even those that appear to be always confident and outgoing.

A Piece of My Mind - Trying Hard

So I'll give you a piece of my mind, right now I am desperately trying to change my sleep time table to a earlier mark so I can actually wake up at an healthy time and SEE the morning again. I haven't seen the morning in a long time actually, probably in half a year. My body rejected the sleep, thinking it was a nap, so I started at 10pm and wearing earplugs (they are a godsend) and then I popped up at 12:19am when those fuckers started making noise again, then at 1:19 I woke again, having that feeling I overslept and had too much to nap. I am willing to sacrifice tomorrow (a day's full of concentration and newspaper interviews) to get better sleep. I want to get use to living further on the edge, perhaps just until the point I die.

I've been pussyfooting around, in my yearlong development of becoming better with people and women, I realize that although I have made progress, I haven't done NEARLY enough to get where I want.

This isn't an inspirational post, this is more of a kick myself out so i'll thank myself for later post. The difference is, I don't feel good writing this one, it's just something thats so necessary.

I met about 4 girls in the past week, I think two of them I got contact information but never followed up because I didn't like them enough. Usually I sit with them at lunch and eat with them. In my mind I am thinking I am doing enough, but when I am not getting the results I want, thats a pretty damn good indication of not doing good enough.

I been doing a year of this, mostly reading material most of the time than actually going out to practice socializing and flirting with girls. Some guys are getting alot better than me and they are perhaps only a few months behind me, they been really pushing themselves.

I realize, not everyone succeeds at things. Especially those who see something as a mere distraction than a lifestyle. It takes a lifestyle at something to become really good at it, so those athletes you see playing ball failed and tried probably a THOUSAND times as hard as people who played merely as a distraction for a while and then gave up.

That's how they got there today.

I was feeling shit the whole day, this girl stopped talking to me, I got deadlines and much academic stress to meet, my roommates aren't getting along with me and I don't feel like I fit in, and yadda yadda. I don't even want to hear it.

But you know what, despite what you or I may think. It is NOT the parts of your life that you are feeling good and on vacation and falling in life that are the BEST in your life. It is those times you struggled and fought back and killed a thousand ninjas and survived that truly do you feel like you lived through something.

In most battles, it is a Battlefield of the mind.

The outside world is as easy as it comes, you can easily do anything you want. I realize half of easily doing what you want, is to fight your mind. Perhaps years and years of shyness or fear prevents you from making a phone call to a totally random stranger (I had phoneophobia for a while), but then I wonder how those telemarketers calling thousands of people and having freakshows and just really mean people yell at you do it, and they do it well, or else telemarketers would have died out long ago. (Much to our dismay)

Tomorrow I am going to try harder, I feel bad about one girl, my mentor Anthony is great with people because feeling bad about girls and getting rejected is a super common occurance. He simply has failed and pushed much more than most people to get where he is today, he is human. Just one of the most amazing people because I realize barely ANYONE in the world has this dedication and endurance. (If you think lifting weights at the gym is hard, try talking to 3 strangers and making them like you)

People who are really good at something aren't gods. They are simply really bad at something and do it so constantly that eventually, 1 out of 1000 failures constitutes a success. Then that little number starts to build up and we think they are amazing by the time it becomes 3.

The rest of us leave it to chance. Don't even think about those people getting lucky, thats the way life is, living with my shitty roommates right now is a maturity lesson of it's own. It made me realize how awesome living with my parents were and I could go to sleep without Hindi music blasting in my ears 3am at night.

I realize I may not make it, I may not be able to be that strong. It's rare anybody is that strong and extraordinary, but I try and push my boundaries and think of fear as being a lesson. I have alot more to say, but I must go to sleep.

You are extraordinary too, you are already it, or it's inside you. You may not make it too, but we try and try and fail and fail. Lets do it.

I am adding Susan to "Girl Who Rejected Me #23", she is exiled from my mind and I am moving on easily, lets try to catch up to Anthony's 1000th rejection.

Friendly People are Amazing!

I don't notice him, he's in the shadows, walking behind my Persian friends and two little cousins when I bump into them. We banter and do catch up, what's up, where were you heading, any parties you know of? He strides up and confidently puts his arm across my shoulder and innocently asks if I can take him to a party. I feel a bit awkward for not introducing myself to him earlier, but before I can even put out my hand, he put up his and said his name.

JC, I said. Then he said He likes me, we should get married. The two Persian girls joked and went along with it and said no, they were married and put her head on the other. I loved this joke, I think it's funny as fuck and shows how confident you are seeing how guys are always so insecure about it, so I put my arms around the guy and said yeah, this is my new boyfriend. We all laughed, the little brother, barely 12 said he wanted some pussy and that he was going to find some tonight. I chuckled, these kids are so confident.

Then the guy told me he was 15 as we all went to the cafe, I said bullshit. He said really, he is. (He is 15).

We had coffee and hung out and we had to go. I told him that he was one of the most friendliest and confident people I know and that he will have no trouble getting the ladies and having fun in college. I learned a lot from that kid, he has a memorizing aura of just personality and charm, and I realized that just by being more committed than the other person (in some cases A LOT more committed) it shows a great deal how confident you are.

Take today for example. I was getting lunch at the Kelly Dining hall on my campus, I got tavern-style Cod (some breaded fish) and a soup, I paid the lady and was on my way looking for somebody to sit next to (I never eat alone), when the soup slipped out of my hand and fell on the floor. A mustache-bearing man in a chef's uniform saw me drop the soup and told me that he's pretty sure I can get another one. I said thank you and explained to the cashier lady that my soup spilled, she wasn't happy about it and said only this time, that's why you get trays she said, next time I would have to pay for it. I got the soup and walked out, the chef saw me and smiled, and warmly said that that lady is just having a bad day, it's no big deal at all, he laughed. "Have a nice weekend."

I had the strangest feeling in my stomach to talk with the chef, for no reason at all, just the fact that I was really impressed the night before and something just intrigues me about these people.

At this point, I don't know much about these two amazing individuals. They are simply very, very committed to the interaction, perhaps without realizing it. But in an age where people are getting disinterested and spend more and more time in front of computers and becoming less socialized and more cautious, this gesture of friendliness and good faith gives your subconscious no choice but to return the warmth and feel comfortable with this person.

Often, a typical meeting with a stranger is more of a war of attrition then a friendly meeting. People look uncomfortable and feel uncomfortable because simply they aren't committed enough to the interaction. Should I shake his hand? Should I introduce myself now or in a minute? Should I tell him how awesome his Donald Duck Jacket is?

Or simply, you can stop all that bullshit and just do it. Stop thinking about what you want to do, just do the first thing on your mind. This stranger is your friend from elementary school and you grew up playing Scrabble together. How would you react to him? (Personally I'll give him a big hug, kind of like Johnny Saviour style)

It's funny, the universal rule of taking a risk or fortune favors the bold applies extremely well here. Don't think about what that person thinks, just introduce yourself with a big smile and ask for his name, he will DEFINITELY like you and think you are a confident, and amazing person with alot going for you (maybe it's not true, but who cares, he thinks you are, and you are, you're reading my blog ;p )

I mentioned first impressions in an earlier post, it still holds true that you NEVER JUDGE BY FIRST IMPRESSIONS. But people don't know that, and even you won't ever completely stop judging because you are human. So why not take this to our advantage and make people like us instantly?

How awesome would that be? Just by simply being more committed to the other person and willing to share yourself. It's going to be a bit scary at first, it is for me, I am going to practice just being really committed in the next few weeks too, breaking out of my own comfort zone. This may be the secret to being a great conversationalist. Think of all the things you can achieve, business meetings, social gatherings, just any situation you can think of where you meet new people.

Perhaps you are still sketchy about this whole idea, you are defensive, that's alright. I can be pretty defensive sometimes too and not wanting to accept new ideas, I know that feeling. But lets use a popular model we can all refer to.

If Brad Pitt or George Clooney came up and talked with you, would he hesitate at all to shake your hand and introduce himself?

No.

He knows he's the shit and half of the world knows it too. You don't have to be George Clooney, but you can have the same confidence and charming aura as him.

The world is for the taking, my friend.