I am logging this on a public blog because it would pressure me to follow through with it. Here are a few goals I want to set in the next few months, it's going to be dense as possible and packed, but not unreasonable.
-Socialize, stay proactive.
-In approaching ANYBODY, there is to be no agenda.
-Join at least one school organization (that I find enjoyable) the week I get back from Spring Break
-Revitalize "Project Snowmaiden"
-Smile! Everywhere...
-Call up old friends and have really nice conversations and wish them them a happy one.
-Find a Violin teacher, play at the conservatory of music in the summer.
-Wake up at a fixed alarm time, lets say... 7am. Sleep when you're tired, if you're not, get out of bed and do something.
-Publish Article to Statesmen school newspaper
-Chill with your brother more, influence his teenage years, come home more often, he looks up to you.
Conversational Screening Traits and questions-
Adventurous
Nurturing
Creative
Open-minded
Trying out things you can't pronounce the name of at an exotic restaurant, Kids, Writer.
JC
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A Life Beyond They Shall think
Having a great friend speak to me today is one of the best things to happen in the last few years. I didn't realize it at the time but then I awoken from a nap just now and I realize the significance of he said. I felt direction, I felt focus, I didn't need to scour the internet finding a quickie solution and keep depending and finding people anymore on what to do and where to go.
I don't feel like I have to strap dynamite to my feet and jump off the Top of the Rock, it feels simple what I have to do.
It is as simple as it is effective and deadly.
Let me give you a short background of him. His name is Chris, 26 years old, and he is a former Marine that served in Iraq, he quit as a personal trainer because he told me although it was making him a ton of money he wasn't happy working with his rich, snobby clients. He decided to do something he finds enjoyable, money isn't the end it all he saids, happiness is.
He likes history and wanted to be a history teacher in high school, he wants his classes to be extraordinary learning experiences far away from lifeless lecture halls, and told me when he teaches the revolutionary war, he would take them out to the field, dress them up one side redcoats and minutemen and train them and have them play the roles of the soldier to get a little taste of what it was like.
He is an avid surfer for 11 years and loved living in 2 years in Wales when he was in the Marines because the beaches there are awesome. He works as a lifeguard every summer because its a great feeling to sit on the beach, reading a book with the ocean breeze washing across your face and you occasionally get to save somebody.
Thats the little of what I know about him biographically from what he has told me. He told me when I asked him about it, otherwise he listens to me bantering on and on about my problems. Bless him, I try to be positive, but there are times that I do vent, but he seems to like hearing about what I have to say and apply his own perspective to it. It's rare anybody listens anymore instead of bragging about themselves or being self centered.
In a college with 14000 people, genuine people are a needle-haystack. I have met many people here, and people occasionally tell me I know everybody here just because I say hi to those I have briefly talk to or are in my classes. They aren't what I can call friends because either they are too busy (friendships need time to fuel) or that I don't find them genuine. This place feels like a softer, safer microcosm of the real world. People are constantly trying to gain status, if not by money and influence here then by sexual prowess.
Guys telling me stories (ABOUT THIS ONE TIME, YO MY FRIEND, THIS CHICK) and I can feel subconsciously that he is bragging. Girls being self centered and keep complaining about a guy they wanna fuck and hooking up.
I start drowning, because I value people who listen and relate. Those people are the gems and treasure of our society. They are the anonymous superheroes not unlike Superman that exists not in Gotham or Metropolis but here in the real world.
I wrote that innocent lost post because everything thing in a college dorm life seems upside down and even the girls here are crazy and promiscuous. I grew up in a fairly conservative Asian background and was given a lot of love and romanticism of the world, and I truly believed in it until now. Although, my mom occationally warned me to be careful, you shouldn't reveal your closest secrets to even your closest friends. And it gave me a little dark, conspiracy that I didn't believe until I became older.
Coming here, I felt like I grew up, you learn to live with people you don't like, things don't go your way, you are out of close friends and social support for the first few months. You learn to get hardened by things that suck so you'll stop complaining and really appreciate what good luck and fortune really is.
I'm glad I found a direction today. I found to admire a lot of his opinions and views of the world, and he saids that we're in the same category.
We are people who don't belong in a certain group of people or associate themselves with any one activity or thing.
We tend to bounce around and hang out with every group back in high school, if the footballers threw a party, we'll fit in. The skaters, we fit in. If the nerds had a party, we'll go there too and fit in.
People tend to look for leadership, they flock to other people and join their groups. Because there is always going to be one guy in that group that tells them what to do and what next, its a natural human thing.
While living in England for two years with the Marines, Chris would go off to the city and just ride the tube and walk around the city by day when he had off, and at night he would call up his friends and hit the pub and hang around with them.
He walked around and rode the subway and found interesting things and interesting people to meet. He eventually found something really fun to do and invited his friends to do it with him and they would follow his lead. "Do you want to come do this thing with me today?" Yes they would say, and that would be it. He'll be suddenly a leader and showing them around.
The thing I learned from this, people are leaders simply because they had nothing to do and just started doing something... anything and then others started following them.
People need direction, and they would rather find a well established leader instead of doing something nothing by themselves.
All of the people I met here have complained about finding nothing to do on campus, they go home on the weekends and when they stay they will stay in their rooms on the computer doing absolutely nothing. No WONDER why they complain.
I will do anything now to get out of nothing, next weekend when I'm staying over the weekend on campus, I am going to walk... just walk around the surround town of Stony Brook. Find places, find interesting things, views, perhaps bring a camera, and just walk and being happy being alone unless I happen to run into an interesting person along the way. Perhaps we have a good conversation, then perhaps this person could tell me what he or she will like to do around the town or something interesting about it. Then I will have either made a new friend or I would have found something interesting on my own I could invite others to see, or I could simply have a very pleasant walk around this quiet little town and take some of the scenery and fresh breeze in.
I am applying the same to life. I will no longer sit here and do nothing, but I will find something. Nothing is an illusion, boredom is caused by being dependent on other people for our pleasures.
Be your own leader, get out and do... anything. If you're near a city, walk around the city and look for things that interest you... take risks... talk to interesting people... if anything it is better to experience the world than to complain about it.
I can't begin to tell you how many applications that this attitude has towards all walks of life.
Be your own leader, others will follow.
I thank you Chris, for being a great friend and being totally genuine and confident around me, thank you for being such an inspiration. I thank you Eugene, for encouraging my writing and giving me a drive to push it better and better.
I found a good direction now.
I don't feel like I have to strap dynamite to my feet and jump off the Top of the Rock, it feels simple what I have to do.
It is as simple as it is effective and deadly.
Let me give you a short background of him. His name is Chris, 26 years old, and he is a former Marine that served in Iraq, he quit as a personal trainer because he told me although it was making him a ton of money he wasn't happy working with his rich, snobby clients. He decided to do something he finds enjoyable, money isn't the end it all he saids, happiness is.
He likes history and wanted to be a history teacher in high school, he wants his classes to be extraordinary learning experiences far away from lifeless lecture halls, and told me when he teaches the revolutionary war, he would take them out to the field, dress them up one side redcoats and minutemen and train them and have them play the roles of the soldier to get a little taste of what it was like.
He is an avid surfer for 11 years and loved living in 2 years in Wales when he was in the Marines because the beaches there are awesome. He works as a lifeguard every summer because its a great feeling to sit on the beach, reading a book with the ocean breeze washing across your face and you occasionally get to save somebody.
Thats the little of what I know about him biographically from what he has told me. He told me when I asked him about it, otherwise he listens to me bantering on and on about my problems. Bless him, I try to be positive, but there are times that I do vent, but he seems to like hearing about what I have to say and apply his own perspective to it. It's rare anybody listens anymore instead of bragging about themselves or being self centered.
In a college with 14000 people, genuine people are a needle-haystack. I have met many people here, and people occasionally tell me I know everybody here just because I say hi to those I have briefly talk to or are in my classes. They aren't what I can call friends because either they are too busy (friendships need time to fuel) or that I don't find them genuine. This place feels like a softer, safer microcosm of the real world. People are constantly trying to gain status, if not by money and influence here then by sexual prowess.
Guys telling me stories (ABOUT THIS ONE TIME, YO MY FRIEND, THIS CHICK) and I can feel subconsciously that he is bragging. Girls being self centered and keep complaining about a guy they wanna fuck and hooking up.
I start drowning, because I value people who listen and relate. Those people are the gems and treasure of our society. They are the anonymous superheroes not unlike Superman that exists not in Gotham or Metropolis but here in the real world.
I wrote that innocent lost post because everything thing in a college dorm life seems upside down and even the girls here are crazy and promiscuous. I grew up in a fairly conservative Asian background and was given a lot of love and romanticism of the world, and I truly believed in it until now. Although, my mom occationally warned me to be careful, you shouldn't reveal your closest secrets to even your closest friends. And it gave me a little dark, conspiracy that I didn't believe until I became older.
Coming here, I felt like I grew up, you learn to live with people you don't like, things don't go your way, you are out of close friends and social support for the first few months. You learn to get hardened by things that suck so you'll stop complaining and really appreciate what good luck and fortune really is.
I'm glad I found a direction today. I found to admire a lot of his opinions and views of the world, and he saids that we're in the same category.
We are people who don't belong in a certain group of people or associate themselves with any one activity or thing.
We tend to bounce around and hang out with every group back in high school, if the footballers threw a party, we'll fit in. The skaters, we fit in. If the nerds had a party, we'll go there too and fit in.
People tend to look for leadership, they flock to other people and join their groups. Because there is always going to be one guy in that group that tells them what to do and what next, its a natural human thing.
While living in England for two years with the Marines, Chris would go off to the city and just ride the tube and walk around the city by day when he had off, and at night he would call up his friends and hit the pub and hang around with them.
He walked around and rode the subway and found interesting things and interesting people to meet. He eventually found something really fun to do and invited his friends to do it with him and they would follow his lead. "Do you want to come do this thing with me today?" Yes they would say, and that would be it. He'll be suddenly a leader and showing them around.
The thing I learned from this, people are leaders simply because they had nothing to do and just started doing something... anything and then others started following them.
People need direction, and they would rather find a well established leader instead of doing something nothing by themselves.
All of the people I met here have complained about finding nothing to do on campus, they go home on the weekends and when they stay they will stay in their rooms on the computer doing absolutely nothing. No WONDER why they complain.
I will do anything now to get out of nothing, next weekend when I'm staying over the weekend on campus, I am going to walk... just walk around the surround town of Stony Brook. Find places, find interesting things, views, perhaps bring a camera, and just walk and being happy being alone unless I happen to run into an interesting person along the way. Perhaps we have a good conversation, then perhaps this person could tell me what he or she will like to do around the town or something interesting about it. Then I will have either made a new friend or I would have found something interesting on my own I could invite others to see, or I could simply have a very pleasant walk around this quiet little town and take some of the scenery and fresh breeze in.
I am applying the same to life. I will no longer sit here and do nothing, but I will find something. Nothing is an illusion, boredom is caused by being dependent on other people for our pleasures.
Be your own leader, get out and do... anything. If you're near a city, walk around the city and look for things that interest you... take risks... talk to interesting people... if anything it is better to experience the world than to complain about it.
I can't begin to tell you how many applications that this attitude has towards all walks of life.
Be your own leader, others will follow.
I thank you Chris, for being a great friend and being totally genuine and confident around me, thank you for being such an inspiration. I thank you Eugene, for encouraging my writing and giving me a drive to push it better and better.
I found a good direction now.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
The Airplane!
Here goes, we are going to discuss the fabric of nanofibers on accelerated anti-matter based broad space spectrum. Enjoy. (The title is just a punchline and will come later).
Now for all seriousness. I been feeling desperate and rather lonely for the past few months that I have moved into the dorming life, and it wasn't until very recently that I stumbled across the root of the problem by chance.
Acceptance (and Love) comes in all shapes and forms, but it is as vital as a resource to our bodies as the water we drink and the pepperoni pizza with mushrooms we eat.
I found whenever I came home from school, I felt like a warm blanket was wrapped around me. It was just a feeling indescribable, home was so warm, so welcoming, so right. It is this layer of familiarity and love that I felt missing while I was at the college having no close friends and not getting the success I wanted with pretty girls.
I remember what theBirthdayPony said about the mindset of "Not wanting a women for the rest of your life". I see it's power and I revel in it's sweetness, I can call a girl or three and not be attached at all to the outcome because I am detached. My ego is removed from her responses. I don't NEED her to respond, to hang out, to cuddle, to have sex with.
I met two cool Israeli cats whom I play ping pong and smoke hookah with that I can call my good friends. One of them is an amatuer photographer and another is a semi-womanizer, and we went to explore the dark abandoned building that was a nightclub for graduate students right here on our campus (spooky place, we heard noises).
My close friends from back home called me and we had a chat (both of them) that lasted at least an hour long each. Then I bonded with my suitemates over the poker table and we sat and laughed and I founded a gym buddy among them. People I can call my friends for the first time here despite the countless acquaintances I bumped into here.
I sit here now and I don't feel bad about not having a woman in my life, my love and acceptance comes from good friends and family. Nobody could ever take them away from me. I based my acceptance on the prowess of getting women the first few months here because I thought it would be so cool to have guys see me every night in my room with the door closed and making noises.
I won't lie, but going through my gmail account and seeing all those advertisments and newsletters for seduction and dating advice, I realize they all prey on your insecurity. You're not good enough, you're not attractive enough, you're movie date sucks, take her on a roller coaster to replicate the feelings of danger, the workshop is only available only for one more week and discounted prices, take more chances... etc.
First of all, you need to accept yourself first.
Your sense of ego shouldn't be dependent on the success of women or what other people tell you. Your sense of acceptance and love should be based on your family, friends, and people who really like you. You need to have something you are working towards, a goal, hobbies, working out at the gym to become healthier. Write a fucking poem, a short story, a verse, a novel if need be. Your life has to have a sense of purpose and you must like your sense of purpose.
If you do not accept yourself first, and you try to peddle your toe in the pool that is women than I swear to you that you will be destroyed before you know it.
Once you finally accept yourself, then only then can you dip into the dating life. You are independent from women, you don't NEED them, you only want them, it's a bonus. You are completely satisfied without them, you can live life and still be happy.
I texted messaged a chick, I don't care if she responds. I canceled an offer for sex last night. I had one too many Bailey's and Guinness's anyway. I don't NEED anything other than to be happy with myself.
Think of it as water and food on the famous Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. You need food and water before you can go for the higher things. You need friends and family to love yourself as much as you need food to survive. So have that, and make sure you love yourself enough before another person would want to love you.
Thanks for reading, let me talk about the airplane.
This is fun, I discovered this recently and it works especially for the more carefree and playful people out there. Meet a girl, chat, then as you're walking with her laughing and having a good time... it's time to... meet the... AIRPLANE!
Warn her.
"Uh oh, guess what?"
What?
"Airplane time!"
Whaaaaaa?
"Too late!"
Proceed to grab both her shoulders with your arms and stand behind her, then push her around, making airplane noises, until she tells you to stop. Which could be a while because she's laughing her ass off and both of you are having the grandeur time of your lives.
Forget everything else, all the rules, standards, work, pressures, stress and just let you and your lady friend a chance to be a kid again. Even if just for that little moment. She'll appreciate what you can give her that no other man has a chance to dare to. Two little children in the big playground that is the world.
It's been empirically proven... yo. :-)
Now for all seriousness. I been feeling desperate and rather lonely for the past few months that I have moved into the dorming life, and it wasn't until very recently that I stumbled across the root of the problem by chance.
Acceptance (and Love) comes in all shapes and forms, but it is as vital as a resource to our bodies as the water we drink and the pepperoni pizza with mushrooms we eat.
I found whenever I came home from school, I felt like a warm blanket was wrapped around me. It was just a feeling indescribable, home was so warm, so welcoming, so right. It is this layer of familiarity and love that I felt missing while I was at the college having no close friends and not getting the success I wanted with pretty girls.
I remember what theBirthdayPony said about the mindset of "Not wanting a women for the rest of your life". I see it's power and I revel in it's sweetness, I can call a girl or three and not be attached at all to the outcome because I am detached. My ego is removed from her responses. I don't NEED her to respond, to hang out, to cuddle, to have sex with.
I met two cool Israeli cats whom I play ping pong and smoke hookah with that I can call my good friends. One of them is an amatuer photographer and another is a semi-womanizer, and we went to explore the dark abandoned building that was a nightclub for graduate students right here on our campus (spooky place, we heard noises).
My close friends from back home called me and we had a chat (both of them) that lasted at least an hour long each. Then I bonded with my suitemates over the poker table and we sat and laughed and I founded a gym buddy among them. People I can call my friends for the first time here despite the countless acquaintances I bumped into here.
I sit here now and I don't feel bad about not having a woman in my life, my love and acceptance comes from good friends and family. Nobody could ever take them away from me. I based my acceptance on the prowess of getting women the first few months here because I thought it would be so cool to have guys see me every night in my room with the door closed and making noises.
I won't lie, but going through my gmail account and seeing all those advertisments and newsletters for seduction and dating advice, I realize they all prey on your insecurity. You're not good enough, you're not attractive enough, you're movie date sucks, take her on a roller coaster to replicate the feelings of danger, the workshop is only available only for one more week and discounted prices, take more chances... etc.
First of all, you need to accept yourself first.
Your sense of ego shouldn't be dependent on the success of women or what other people tell you. Your sense of acceptance and love should be based on your family, friends, and people who really like you. You need to have something you are working towards, a goal, hobbies, working out at the gym to become healthier. Write a fucking poem, a short story, a verse, a novel if need be. Your life has to have a sense of purpose and you must like your sense of purpose.
If you do not accept yourself first, and you try to peddle your toe in the pool that is women than I swear to you that you will be destroyed before you know it.
Once you finally accept yourself, then only then can you dip into the dating life. You are independent from women, you don't NEED them, you only want them, it's a bonus. You are completely satisfied without them, you can live life and still be happy.
I texted messaged a chick, I don't care if she responds. I canceled an offer for sex last night. I had one too many Bailey's and Guinness's anyway. I don't NEED anything other than to be happy with myself.
Think of it as water and food on the famous Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. You need food and water before you can go for the higher things. You need friends and family to love yourself as much as you need food to survive. So have that, and make sure you love yourself enough before another person would want to love you.
Thanks for reading, let me talk about the airplane.
This is fun, I discovered this recently and it works especially for the more carefree and playful people out there. Meet a girl, chat, then as you're walking with her laughing and having a good time... it's time to... meet the... AIRPLANE!
Warn her.
"Uh oh, guess what?"
What?
"Airplane time!"
Whaaaaaa?
"Too late!"
Proceed to grab both her shoulders with your arms and stand behind her, then push her around, making airplane noises, until she tells you to stop. Which could be a while because she's laughing her ass off and both of you are having the grandeur time of your lives.
Forget everything else, all the rules, standards, work, pressures, stress and just let you and your lady friend a chance to be a kid again. Even if just for that little moment. She'll appreciate what you can give her that no other man has a chance to dare to. Two little children in the big playground that is the world.
It's been empirically proven... yo. :-)
Friday, March 09, 2007
20
Hey cool, I'm twenty. Not a teenager anymore, but not offically a legal adult. Stuck in the middle, a interdimension. Lol.
Thanks everyone who are friends, thank the family and all the dead ancestors whom without I wouldn't be here, thank my few old enemies, thank all the people I spoke to on the street, on the train, in classes, passing notes, not remembering my old name, the cool cats in the community, the girls that just didn't work out with, my computer, my dead goldfishes, little buddha, Charles Swartz, Charlie Brown, my Ping Pong opponents, thanks Xbox Live, thanks overpriced totalitarian Stony Brook meal plan, thank Greenwich village for being so awesome, thanks my mini-romances on the LIRR, thanks my fasination with photography, and thank the many more people I will annoy, bother, push, shove, cry, argue, but eventually converse, chat, hug, kiss, cuddle, and love.
I'm a private eye this year btw. Here comes 21 passing by so soon to even tell you that I'm allergic to alcohol. Good night, and good fucking luck.
Thanks everyone who are friends, thank the family and all the dead ancestors whom without I wouldn't be here, thank my few old enemies, thank all the people I spoke to on the street, on the train, in classes, passing notes, not remembering my old name, the cool cats in the community, the girls that just didn't work out with, my computer, my dead goldfishes, little buddha, Charles Swartz, Charlie Brown, my Ping Pong opponents, thanks Xbox Live, thanks overpriced totalitarian Stony Brook meal plan, thank Greenwich village for being so awesome, thanks my mini-romances on the LIRR, thanks my fasination with photography, and thank the many more people I will annoy, bother, push, shove, cry, argue, but eventually converse, chat, hug, kiss, cuddle, and love.
I'm a private eye this year btw. Here comes 21 passing by so soon to even tell you that I'm allergic to alcohol. Good night, and good fucking luck.
Friday, March 02, 2007
A bit of a downer, tic tacs nevertheless
I am writing for fun, or when I learn something, but today, I decided to write to offset a drought of good emotions for the week.
I was hermitting in my room last night, occasionally playing a shooting game called Red Orchestra and letting the campus network lag get the best of me. That night, I had the opportunity to meet some girls and their friends that were coming over to my friend's dorm, go to a nightclub called Mist, or go to a nearby frat party. A fully loaded night. I was going to go at first, but then a spike of wanting and loneliness hit me like never before. It felt like the downer at the middle of the week, and these bad thoughts have been bathing in my head recently.
You know, I have never actually felt this low with seemingly no problem with me at all. I mean when my mother was in the hospital for a critical condition around 6 years ago, I felt the same way, but that was with a purpose, my mother, the strongest and most alpha person I have ever met in my life is falling really sick. I had a reason to feel bad, I was young too, I was confused.
Now I am going away to college here at Stony Brook University in Long Island, and the first few weeks were wild, I explored the enormous campus and got excited about the brand-new and rigorous journalism they have here, I met some old friends from childhood that we relinked, played some table tennis and tried out the Nintendo Wii for the first time, played Beer Pong for the first time and even cuddled with girls and messed around. I should be happy? What happened?
With that all said and done, I think I can see why I am feeling down at the moment. It feels like a mellow and dark cloud in your head, sucking away at your energy, enthusiasm, and youthfulness. I am not use to feeling down like this, this is actually new for me.
I didn't want to do anything last night, I just decided to stay in my room and hang with my suitemates, then I got a text message that one of my female friends was having sex with this dude she had been eyeing for a long time. And of course, most people play it cool, but it's not a good feeling to be sitting in my room while I know one of my attractive friends is getting laid.
It's been a extremely stressful week, I have readings that I am missing by a few hundred pages, a novel by Alexander Pushkin I have to complete, news articles for my beat reporting class due, deadlines by next week, file my FAFSA, and find my receipts because my debit card had been stolen lately. Complete lack of exercise and lack of sleep from my roommates. Then I had a bit of a girl problem, and got rejected. Anthony also had been pushing me this week and telling me I am not practicing enough and giving it all I got. At least 3 approaches a day he saids, at least a minute of conversation in between too!
It's hard to be socially proactive when you don't feel like talking to anybody. But I tried pushing myself into some unreactive interactions but I did make two new female friends that were pretty darn cool.
I can try to act unfazed and cool, but I am not. This shit hurts, it kills productivity. You feel low, and suddenly start acting emo and write stuff on your blog. :)
Yeah, its painful. But I realize after sleeping and swimming in it, it's time to get out. Stay proactive, get on top of my grades, and DO something!
I am going to put on my headphones right now and put on my favorite tunes. Music is such a therpautic healer, perhaps I'll start with a soft song with lofty female vocal. Then something with a quicker and cheerier beat, to awaken my spirit. Perhaps I could end it with something intense and rapid that could excite the synapses in my brain and uplift my soul.
Music is one of the most amazing things that humans have discovered and will be with us indefinitely, it gives us the motivation to survive in times of hardship and we express joy through music when we are happy.
Next, I am going to get my ass up and do something. Anything. Eat something, put on a fresh shirt, take a shower, go out for a jog. You will continue to feel like shit if you just sit there and do nothing.
I have learned that a lot of downers and depression is because that I am sitting there and just thinking too hard on what I should have done and how much I suck. Getting up and doing something else works, it will get you motivated and at least a little happier now that you are getting something done (like breathing fresh air or getting neglected food energy for your body!).
Now that I am up, call a friend!
We are created as social creatures, and sometimes simply talking to somebody will snap you right out of it and feeling great again. The best times of my life are when I am talking, laughing, joking over stupid shit with my friends.
Love, accepting, all those things that friends provide.
By this time I am up and on to take on the world, wondering why I was so down in the first place, smiling at people walking by, and sharing your enthusiasm for life.
Depression and downers are temporary, a lot of people can't seem to realize how petty what it is they are depressed over and that you could be feeling so much better. For example, just writing on my blog and listening to French pop made me feel so much better.
If you guys don't have a blog, start one, it feels good to have some place where you can express yourself and your mood once in a while. Perhaps a journal if you'll prefer. Then tell me about it, I'll love to read all about it!
I am going to get a shower right now, eat something and take on my tasks for the day.
Being down is a part of life, everybody goes through it once in a while, even those that appear to be always confident and outgoing.
I was hermitting in my room last night, occasionally playing a shooting game called Red Orchestra and letting the campus network lag get the best of me. That night, I had the opportunity to meet some girls and their friends that were coming over to my friend's dorm, go to a nightclub called Mist, or go to a nearby frat party. A fully loaded night. I was going to go at first, but then a spike of wanting and loneliness hit me like never before. It felt like the downer at the middle of the week, and these bad thoughts have been bathing in my head recently.
You know, I have never actually felt this low with seemingly no problem with me at all. I mean when my mother was in the hospital for a critical condition around 6 years ago, I felt the same way, but that was with a purpose, my mother, the strongest and most alpha person I have ever met in my life is falling really sick. I had a reason to feel bad, I was young too, I was confused.
Now I am going away to college here at Stony Brook University in Long Island, and the first few weeks were wild, I explored the enormous campus and got excited about the brand-new and rigorous journalism they have here, I met some old friends from childhood that we relinked, played some table tennis and tried out the Nintendo Wii for the first time, played Beer Pong for the first time and even cuddled with girls and messed around. I should be happy? What happened?
With that all said and done, I think I can see why I am feeling down at the moment. It feels like a mellow and dark cloud in your head, sucking away at your energy, enthusiasm, and youthfulness. I am not use to feeling down like this, this is actually new for me.
I didn't want to do anything last night, I just decided to stay in my room and hang with my suitemates, then I got a text message that one of my female friends was having sex with this dude she had been eyeing for a long time. And of course, most people play it cool, but it's not a good feeling to be sitting in my room while I know one of my attractive friends is getting laid.
It's been a extremely stressful week, I have readings that I am missing by a few hundred pages, a novel by Alexander Pushkin I have to complete, news articles for my beat reporting class due, deadlines by next week, file my FAFSA, and find my receipts because my debit card had been stolen lately. Complete lack of exercise and lack of sleep from my roommates. Then I had a bit of a girl problem, and got rejected. Anthony also had been pushing me this week and telling me I am not practicing enough and giving it all I got. At least 3 approaches a day he saids, at least a minute of conversation in between too!
It's hard to be socially proactive when you don't feel like talking to anybody. But I tried pushing myself into some unreactive interactions but I did make two new female friends that were pretty darn cool.
I can try to act unfazed and cool, but I am not. This shit hurts, it kills productivity. You feel low, and suddenly start acting emo and write stuff on your blog. :)
Yeah, its painful. But I realize after sleeping and swimming in it, it's time to get out. Stay proactive, get on top of my grades, and DO something!
I am going to put on my headphones right now and put on my favorite tunes. Music is such a therpautic healer, perhaps I'll start with a soft song with lofty female vocal. Then something with a quicker and cheerier beat, to awaken my spirit. Perhaps I could end it with something intense and rapid that could excite the synapses in my brain and uplift my soul.
Music is one of the most amazing things that humans have discovered and will be with us indefinitely, it gives us the motivation to survive in times of hardship and we express joy through music when we are happy.
Next, I am going to get my ass up and do something. Anything. Eat something, put on a fresh shirt, take a shower, go out for a jog. You will continue to feel like shit if you just sit there and do nothing.
I have learned that a lot of downers and depression is because that I am sitting there and just thinking too hard on what I should have done and how much I suck. Getting up and doing something else works, it will get you motivated and at least a little happier now that you are getting something done (like breathing fresh air or getting neglected food energy for your body!).
Now that I am up, call a friend!
We are created as social creatures, and sometimes simply talking to somebody will snap you right out of it and feeling great again. The best times of my life are when I am talking, laughing, joking over stupid shit with my friends.
Love, accepting, all those things that friends provide.
By this time I am up and on to take on the world, wondering why I was so down in the first place, smiling at people walking by, and sharing your enthusiasm for life.
Depression and downers are temporary, a lot of people can't seem to realize how petty what it is they are depressed over and that you could be feeling so much better. For example, just writing on my blog and listening to French pop made me feel so much better.
If you guys don't have a blog, start one, it feels good to have some place where you can express yourself and your mood once in a while. Perhaps a journal if you'll prefer. Then tell me about it, I'll love to read all about it!
I am going to get a shower right now, eat something and take on my tasks for the day.
Being down is a part of life, everybody goes through it once in a while, even those that appear to be always confident and outgoing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
