Friday, November 14, 2008

A Little Corner On The Dark Side

A wonderful breakfast porridge, irresistible little pastries, sweet tropical fruits that melt on your tongue.

A little escapee for those that wish it. The weather this time of the year warm and inviting. The smell of the mangos ripe on trees, harvested by dark little natives. 

As a father climbs up on a rock with a machete, his little boy walks up to me. 

He asks a question in Tamil, if I was in fact lost. 

My eyes widened at the child, I didn't quite answer. The fabric of my shorts itched.

He plucked one of the gathered mangos from his pouch and skillfully cut it with a sharp knife. The mango a hedgehog, the boy ate it in front of me, and offered me the pit. 

I grasped the pit in my hand, feeling the weight of it. 

I said to him a phrase in Mandarin, he willfully nodded. The leaves of the sweet-smelling trees rattled in the wind. 

I kneeled and dug into the Earth with my bare hands. His father came by on the boy's shoulder. 

With the sugary pit in hand, I saw a thousand little worker ants go about their business. I dug further. The boy and his father watched. My taste on my tongue was funny. 

Earthworms and millipedes, little dirty pebbles. 

They stood respectfully and at full attention, the boy a gleeful eyes.  My fingernails raw.

I dug further. 

The bedrock had came, the sky had darkened. A cool breeze washed over the landscape. I stood at the end, and I dug, and dug, and dug. 

Emerging from a little corner on the dark side, I sit at my laptop, typing. It is 1:30 pm.

This side a bit more non-carbonated and caffeine free, the fruits not as fresh. Realizing the scope of the work abreast, and all of the worldly distractions at hand, I hit publish.


Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Moments

One disappointment after another. Is it time to grow a thick skin?

That is inevitable, but for you there is a fundamental change as important as breathing air itself.

Live life for the moments.

That kiss, that hour passed by in the blink of an eye, those eyes as deep as ocean, the silly putty you. That one moment.

You look back on life one day as an old man. Nothing you did in your life matters, not your accomplishments.

You remember but your moments. 

Those people you shared them with. All the negative, all of their indifference now, all of their hatred if need be. None of those things they think of you matters. 

You only keep those memories. The most sweet, heart-warming ones when you are on earth smelling every blade of grass and taking every hint of perfection on this cloud with that person. If only for a little while.

That you keep close to you. 

Thursday, February 07, 2008

This is for me again and again

But they will never take away my dreams.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

This is for me again

My only goal.

- To survive.

JC

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

What an insane situation is like

It's not a disbelief. You don't just cry, you do that later on in unsuspecting times. Crying is for the movies, when you are in truly deep shit, you don't cry, you sit there a lot hoping to cry. Hoping to let it all out.

The mind is an amazing machine, I feel the calmest as I have been ever in my life. I am fearless at what seems to be petty things facing an already near impossible situation I am in. Women, success, fuck it. Those things are easy compared to this, and your escape is reaching for success. Because now, your water truck of chance has suddenly became a half empty bottle of water, and you don't have much room for error. You stop fucking around, you take responsibility.

I feel motivated more so than ever before in my life to do work. I work as a photo editor at my campus newspaper, and I have never been so happy to work in my life.

I try to avoid sitting in my room alone too much, then I think of what's happening at home and the historical court date that will ultimately decide my family's fate.

I will be here, you think to yourself. You are the strongest you have ever been in your entire life, your mind has helped you cope. You have your inspirations, and you think of petty situations where people have cried MUCH, much longer.

You surprise yourself for being so calm. You live day by day, and you worry about your loved ones more than anything. It isn't a movie thing, their lives are of monumental importance. You live now to see them live happily, in all your possible power, because you realize how very fragile things are.

Here I am, I forge day by day. I know the worst is yet to come, but I do not fear it as much as I thought I would. This is your mind going into survival mode.

I think I have reached adulthood. Not quite the most pleasant way possible, but I did.

This is my insane situation.

Cheers,
JC

Sunday, February 03, 2008

The family is a unit

Despite all hardships and despite everything material, the family is the most essential unit there is in society.

Money can be remade, properties and business rebuilt, lives put back together again. But the family must stay together.

In the end, that's all that matters. It is your purpose in life to keep it together, to love each other. Everything else is moot.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

How my Chest Feels

"Live bravely but with a meticulous heart."
-Mom

There are bigger things that are totally out of my control right now. And they ever infuse me more with a vigor to live and love for others.

My dad is still, his hands does not shake. My mom is calm, she only finds solutions.

I once thought I knew everything there is to know about them, but I have never known them as much as I do now.

It's a tough going, it's a tough life.

I'm so glad they told me so.

-JC

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Sailing

I love this blog, I shed my emotions and lifeblood onto here into a form for all to see. I have nothing to hide, nothing to hold inside me, nothing to be ashamed of. And I write here because I know my blog is a bit more quiet now to use as my sanctuary.

As of now its pass midnight of Jan 31st, 2008. It's been a year since I had my first taste with a college relationship. Time has passed and lessons cherished and I feel like I'm back at the beginning again.

Of course it hurts, I still feel like theres much more to go. But I have so much direction in my goals right now, my focus is set and stronger than ever before.

Empires and Gods taken down by a woman. I don't ever stop though, I will not ever give up. I will be out there as honest as I can be without holding anything back.

I am this person, I keep trying and putting myself fully out there. Nothing will ever change me, because I know I will always be looking for more.

Thank you Michelle for the wonderful time. I do not feel bad, I do not look towards anyone for my happiness anymore. You have given me the belief that I can be liked for just being my silly potty JC.

I thank you for buying me lunch and those soft kisses.

I won't forget it. But for now, I ponder once more into the unknown. I search the high seas looking for a new island, and the currents are treacherous but I have sharpened my sailing instruments and instinct.

I look for my alabaster love once more when the storms clear.

-JC

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Throwing away something Beautiful

To break down a human being into a set of preconceived equations and formulas is wrong and unrealistic.

This is why I love psychology but will never be a psychologist. I just can't imagine doing this for a living. But back to the point I want to make here.

Lately, it feels like I have awoken from a long slumber.

And I am not here to change anything, I am not here to disagree with status quo, it's just the way things are that I see as the biggest tragedy of being human. But it helped me connect with the world, and understand it as more (for the lack of a better word) human.

I see people constantly throwing away something beautiful in their lives.

Left and right of me, people I look up to, people I love, people who are much better looking than me, people from different backgrounds, weathly people, the mentors in my life. Basically, I see this with almost every person I have connected with for at least a while.

And from everything, a career, a relationship, anything they don't feel like they deserve. It's like those lotto winners, who blow their millions in an intense period of spending and a year later they are at the exact same wealth level if not less.

I understand, I think, it's a self-protecting mechanism that our emotions set for us. We are presented with a role we are not ready to play, perhaps unconciously. And we throw that way as quickly as possible without giving it a chance.

It reminds me of something I have read not too long ago, its a study about the difference of kids who are praised for smart and kids who are praised for their hard work as they were being raised.

The ones that are showered with compliments about them being smart, wouldn't do anything that they are not smart at, and they disqualify themselves before they even try. Because they simply cannot give themselves room to potentially fail at something, and insist that they aren't quite as smart as their parents raised them all their lives to be. They would rather be smart than to be seen as a failure. That's understandable.

Those who are complimented by their parents for their hard work are given the same problem as the smart kids. But they see it as a chance to improve and challenge themselves. They feel hard work can transcend everything and any problem, and often, these are the people that are most successful in our society.

But what does that have to do with throwing away something beautiful?

Perhaps if a nickel was given to me everytime I see a couple that seem to click and they seem perfect for each other and then seeing them breakup a short period later, I would be living at the Plaza Hotel and eating steak every night.

I guess this is why bankers date bankers, poor date the poor, celebrities dating celebrities.

Do you see the correlation now?

You aren't just born this way. There's a way to change, provided you believe that you deserve it. The world is a malleable place, just as much as you are. Play the role. The rich person, the successful person, the seductive personality, the sensual lover, the hardened journalist, the father, mother, the smart person. Try it, taste it, don't just get rid of it.

I am one of those that is still trying to convince myself sometimes. Why does this person like me for who I am? What do I have going for me?

Then starting today, I tell myself. Knock it off kid. Just go along with it stupid, and don't throw away something so beautiful.

Why shouldn't you deserve everything?