Sunday, November 19, 2006

Letting Go Of Ego and Having a Blast

"It feels like work, I feel so unnatural!"

I read a social dynamics and community related blog earlier where it compared the advancement of social skills like training yourself in boxing. I also read this other post on the official Charisma Arts forum where a guy said you must make 1000 approaches before you get anywhere. Then you have the official ASF doctrine (sounds like the cold war now that I used this word so many times) where they tell you to get into the "field" to practice “missions” approaching as many "sets" and getting "# and K closes" as possible. Jeez, I would think that this is even harder than boxing because I don't know how many boxers actually had 1000 matches in the ring.

I have had always an "always on" pressure during my time with the community. I wanted to get really good and really fast so I tried to put as much cram into my social skills as possible. It was actually a nightmare for me during the past year, perhaps it stemmed from my impatience. I would try to be just overly friendly as much as possible and talk to any strangers on the street or on the bus as MUCH as I can (there is nothing wrong with that, but let me explain), and overtime, I felt these FORCED interactions just felt so stressful. I merely did it to get advancement in my social skills, and I did it as another notch on my ego rather than actually talking with them and being the social creature that we are designed.

On days where I was a bit antisocial and didn't approach at all, it would really hurt my ego. And then I would question myself, Why am I such a big pussy? Why can't I talk to the girl on the train with her ipod earphones on stuffed next to other passengers like sardines? I would start pulling things out of my ass to approach people, things I didn't really care about, because I wanted that FEELING of accomplishing something and making progress.

My interactions with people became work, totally unnatural, and I could feel it, as so can they. With the biggest sticking point I had, I wasn't having ANY fun in my interactions with people.

Something I realized last week came to be the biggest breakthrough in my game; I started to have FUN in my approaches. No more half assed approaches talking about things I didn't care about and ultimately to get smooth enough for that pretty girl with the hazel eyes and Venezuelan accent in the corner. I now actually approach LESS, but my interactions are more rewarding. If I don’t find something interesting or I really don’t care, I won’t approach, simple as that.
This is strange, but I have developed an eye for detail, and I notice little things that I find GENUINELY interested in that I can open people and have a great conversation on.

I learned how to tie a scarf (and taught HER 3 different ways as well), had a chat with many people about accessories and relating to being sardined inside the 7th Local train. I began to have FUN and truly enjoy my interactions with people, and the results were surprising. I no longer feel impatient or that my ego is on the line, because I know that now I can approach anytime and I would have a fun chat or perhaps a phone number and it would go really well. The people I interact with also seemed to appreciate it; I noticed that their response is a lot warmer the less I had an agenda.


Having organic and genuinely interesting interactions is a key factor in your game, if it feels like work, you need to adjust your focus and try again. You know, I think Johnny or Wayne on the Charisma Podcasts also said, they would make one or two approaches a night and just have so much fun hooking people up and having a few laughs. If you were making 1000 that night, you aren't learning anything anyways because you probably are pissing all those people off (and getting to your car may be a problem).

I no longer make an approach if I don't feel like it’s going to be fun, it may seem like a far stretch for a guy with 40-50 approaches to say that, but hey do what you like man. I think I wouldn't be too happy if the reason that you were talking to me was because you were doing a "mission", you're not Ethan Hunt tough guy. Lay off that mentality. Don't think in terms of what the rest of the community does, do it at your own pace.

Patience and fun is Zen. Don’t be a social robot.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey man,
i like your post.
caught your link on T-A.

Imo you should seperate the different pieces in your mind, its not one chunk.. it consists of different elements.

Hell yeah social interaction is supposed to be fun.

But the boxer analogy and the 1000 approaches thing, the way i see it isnt about the social interaction so much.
Its about building a alot of reference experiences.

And to expose to fears. Push through the things you avoid.
When i like to do alot of daredevil things for inergame purposes. but its about pushing through fears.. having the experience you were avoiding and realising you can handle it by living through it.And processin it correctly i get a huge rush and it increases my sense of self respect because i confronted a fear. and it feeds into my image of being a gogetter and a man who confronts his fears.

But this is one aspect of the puzzle. doing these ballsey things will not perce increase my fun.. or even my social intelligence that much (even tho the reference experiences will build and work their magic)
its about confronting all the things i avoid and pushing through them liberating myself.

Then theres another aspect of just having fun and enjoying other people.. talking about things i really like, commenting on things i really noticed. having genuine interactions that i enjoy. its whole nother part that you will work during mastery.

i have different objectives, going for a core confidence, pushing through all things im avoiding. getting experiences that reaffirm that it doesnt matter.
Liberating myself from all the convinements i have on my behaviour and identity..

also increasing social intelligence, emotional intelligence, being more genuine. being a more real person.. expanding my personality.
Getting more clarity on myself and who i am what i really find important in this world what i really stand for, what i value what i dont value.

the list goes on.. i have alot of different objectives in this overall personal growth life journey im on and addicted to.
I Totally catch your point and i glad youve been able to make this distinction for you and are having fun again.

But i feel its a bit black n white to say evil community good juggler and johny saviour.

All these people have different angles.. mix n match learn from all perspectives. And dont take any one of them to the letter.

By the way i personally love jugglers approach to the social stuff it has a real positive vibe to it i think and has a real genuine feel to it.

anyway quick rant.
enjoyed reading your post,
/////Inferno

JC said...

I appeciate your comments and for reading my blog! Oh, well I never have mentioned the other parts of the community, and so right now it definately sounds like its in black and white with Juggler and Johnny for good.
I realized that for different people, they all have their own styles and approaches.

Some people may like vanilla ice cream or others may like chocolate, of course I don't blindly think that one part of the community is better than the other. (T-A covers relationship game and it made me into the confident person i am today, that cannot be taken away from me)

I realized I haven't walked down the other paths before in the community, and I am sure it works beautifully for some people.

I think that whatever method can bring you to a stage where you are more social and you are enjoying life more, that is your method.

I been finding great success with T-A and the Juggler method. This is my way to zen.

I really enjoy blogging alot, its a great way to chronicle and learn, and it suprised me that you can be your own teacher when you write things down. I plan to focus on a broader perspective and on a quest to find otu what makes likable people the way they are.

Anonymous said...

It seems you generally approach when you have something incidental to talk about.

I guess it's a comfort thing. It's not the norm to approach strangers and get personal, so it's important to make it easy for everyone involved.

I find whenever I go out I never approach everyone. Sure I'm friendly and open, but it's time consuming and physically trying to talk to everyone and I'm not sure I'd learn much more doing it that way anyway.

So I approach just the ones I'm attracted to or otherwise feel the need to approach. Usually, but not always, it's the loners or the one hot girl in a set of not so hot ones because I can relate to that easier even if the conversation never goes that route.

It's like an unspoken bond and I'm able to be myself more when I get the feeling people "get" me. That in turn allows me to have more fun.

Anonymous said...

oh yeah i totally wanna encourage you.
I dont blog but i write journal after journal.. its really good for getting a better grip and organising the information in your head.. it gave me alot.

About your responce,
Well, personally i dont even think of it terms of vanilla ice or other ice.. i dont see it as different ''styles'' i dont even believe in style, yeah your own personal one.
the way i see it.
'' different people need different things at different stages in their development''

T-A n juggler seems to be exactly what you needed right now, as your being more genuine and are really enjoying social interactions again, thats awesome.

some other people probably do need to be boxers right now and simply push through fears

and yet what some other people may need right now is to forget everything they learned. and work with braod generalised concepts like ''have fun, spread positive energy'' they find somebody who works with those kind of concepts and go YES !

Other people may be complete social butterflies but they are to metro or ''social'' what they need is dominance and sexuality and more agressiveness.

some others need the exact opposite, smoothen out regualr social skills

others may need to massively desensitise...
it depends what layer of yourself your currently working on and holds priority
And they will usually find it in someone's teachings as time goes on their focus changes. It all has its place and its value

one thing i learned on my own journey is that its an constant ongoing development and as you grow what you will need and can use even how you look at the game will constantly change

anyway keep up the blogging man, it looks good.
enjoyed reading it

later
romeo

Anonymous said...

I saw your comment on Spitkicker's blog.

The technique you're looking for exists, it's ont bristollair.com :
"How to kiss a girl without rejection" by Swinggcat, a respected natural-game PUA.

Have fun!

JC said...

Thanks Charlie Brown, it helps alot. I also love Peanuts. :)

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