Letting Go Of Ego and Having a Blast

"It feels like work, I feel so unnatural!"

I read a social dynamics and community related blog earlier where it compared the advancement of social skills like training yourself in boxing. I also read this other post on the official Charisma Arts forum where a guy said you must make 1000 approaches before you get anywhere. Then you have the official ASF doctrine (sounds like the cold war now that I used this word so many times) where they tell you to get into the "field" to practice “missions” approaching as many "sets" and getting "# and K closes" as possible. Jeez, I would think that this is even harder than boxing because I don't know how many boxers actually had 1000 matches in the ring.

I have had always an "always on" pressure during my time with the community. I wanted to get really good and really fast so I tried to put as much cram into my social skills as possible. It was actually a nightmare for me during the past year, perhaps it stemmed from my impatience. I would try to be just overly friendly as much as possible and talk to any strangers on the street or on the bus as MUCH as I can (there is nothing wrong with that, but let me explain), and overtime, I felt these FORCED interactions just felt so stressful. I merely did it to get advancement in my social skills, and I did it as another notch on my ego rather than actually talking with them and being the social creature that we are designed.

On days where I was a bit antisocial and didn't approach at all, it would really hurt my ego. And then I would question myself, Why am I such a big pussy? Why can't I talk to the girl on the train with her ipod earphones on stuffed next to other passengers like sardines? I would start pulling things out of my ass to approach people, things I didn't really care about, because I wanted that FEELING of accomplishing something and making progress.

My interactions with people became work, totally unnatural, and I could feel it, as so can they. With the biggest sticking point I had, I wasn't having ANY fun in my interactions with people.

Something I realized last week came to be the biggest breakthrough in my game; I started to have FUN in my approaches. No more half assed approaches talking about things I didn't care about and ultimately to get smooth enough for that pretty girl with the hazel eyes and Venezuelan accent in the corner. I now actually approach LESS, but my interactions are more rewarding. If I don’t find something interesting or I really don’t care, I won’t approach, simple as that.
This is strange, but I have developed an eye for detail, and I notice little things that I find GENUINELY interested in that I can open people and have a great conversation on.

I learned how to tie a scarf (and taught HER 3 different ways as well), had a chat with many people about accessories and relating to being sardined inside the 7th Local train. I began to have FUN and truly enjoy my interactions with people, and the results were surprising. I no longer feel impatient or that my ego is on the line, because I know that now I can approach anytime and I would have a fun chat or perhaps a phone number and it would go really well. The people I interact with also seemed to appreciate it; I noticed that their response is a lot warmer the less I had an agenda.

Having organic and genuinely interesting interactions is a key factor in your game, if it feels like work, you need to adjust your focus and try again. You know, I think Johnny or Wayne on the Charisma Podcasts also said, they would make one or two approaches a night and just have so much fun hooking people up and having a few laughs. If you were making 1000 that night, you aren't learning anything anyways because you probably are pissing all those people off (and getting to your car may be a problem).

I no longer make an approach if I don't feel like it’s going to be fun, it may seem like a far stretch for a guy with 40-50 approaches to say that, but hey do what you like man. I think I wouldn't be too happy if the reason that you were talking to me was because you were doing a "mission", you're not Ethan Hunt tough guy. Lay off that mentality. Don't think in terms of what the rest of the community does, do it at your own pace.

Patience and fun is Zen. Don’t be a social robot.

Becoming Human

I cried a bit last night. I don't know if I am turning into just a really emotional guy or if I am being effeminate. I have just been linked deeply within my emotions lately ever since I started enjoying the connecting and relating aspect of what Wayne Elise teaches. So the reason I cried, well, lets start off, yes I am a really sensitive guy from the day I was born. Where some people would try all of their might to hold back, I just let it out during the premiere of Titanic or Saving Private Ryan.

Growing up during all these years after I came out of the crib, I realized that society has certain distaste to grown men and little boys who cry. And perhaps they would be seen as weak or overly emotional. I realized last night that I hadn't had a good cry in a long time, and it wasn't really that big of a deal the reason I cried, one of my closest friends (a sweet girl from England that my mother adores really much) took one of the things I said the wrong way and she said that for a person that I look up to, I cannot think that you would feel that way about me.

That bothered me so much, because have you ever been stuck in that position where you didn't do something (perhaps as a child) and then somebody accuses you and you are feeling just so damn guilty about something you didn't do. You don't know how to convince the other person that you're innocent. And things never go back to the exact same way they were before.

I guess I shed a few tears in fear of losing a best friend. Of all the girls I dated, I really didn't mind losing them. I could always date again. Friends are something that I really can't quite bring back. It pains me and really hurts me bad when something I really value is about to change or possibly lost, such are the nature of my friendships with people.

After adopting ASF doctrine about a year ago, I think I just became a really tough guy. And I never feel like it's really me having that image of Alpha that I put up.

There is something that relating emotions and connecting with Wayne's method that has brought something back, something I enjoy really much. I now go on how I feel, and it has made me better with women and especially people overall. I feel more human. And we are emotional creatures.

I cannot hide my insecurities by acting tough, so instead I will be the true alpha and embrace this unique part of my personality. Everybody has insecurities, and everybody brags or tries to hide it, why not embrace it and make it a selling point?

My name is JC, and I like a good cry.

Assume The Other Person Has Value

We'll all like to be treated like royalty. Just imagine it, (not the part about the servants feeding you grapes and fanning you with a big banana leaf part) people all over the land will give a certain kind of respect to you. They would expect the king to be of a certain status and ask you questions from a position of assumption like, "How was the dealings at the court?" or "Have you flogged the heretic who stole my clown shoes?” That may be just shitty examples, but when you are dealing with a king. You expect him to be of a certain value.

As I was reading through Wayne's e-book, mybirthdaypony, and Social Hitchhiker's blogs. I noticed that they all share a similar writing style. They all have a tendency to speak to you in a way that assumes you know a bit about social skills, they make you feel already like a PUA. They expect you to be an intelligent and hardworking individual who is open to new ideas, but they would never teach you what exact words to say to a woman or the ABC's.

Reading Mystery's handbook a while back, and also reading a lot of community related blogs, I noticed that they have this very harsh writing style. I feel like I am being told WHAT to do and how the way they do it is better than mine, either that or they just post all these bad LRs with full of ego and no actual information I could use from it. They are talking down to you in a sense, like the way a bad friend tells you that his way of doing things is better.

I noticed a lot of the community is wrapped up in this sense, but I'll do a separate post on my thoughts on the community later on.

In comparing Wayne and Mystery's books, and also with meeting and working with Wayne, Wayne has a way of making you feel like you are already pretty damn good with woman (even if you weren’t, like I was when I first read Wayne's e-book). And he shares his experiences in his e-book, and it is ultimately left to the READER to decide if he wants to relate to it and to use his ideas.

One of the things I got on that November weekend is assumption, so you assume that the person you are talking to already has a bit of value. That's why you ask open ended questions and assume they are reading philosophy because you expect them to be of that caliber. You can get really far if you can make the person are talking to feel that you are connecting and relating on a same level.

Everybody is amazing, so that’s when you come in and expect them to be. If I don't have a good opener, I will assume. If a group of girls is on the train and they are wearing really hip clothes, I would say "So, how was clubbing?” And it doesn’t really matter if they did or not, it assumes that you expect them to be cool, and they assume that you are cool because you are confident enough to assume.

See how it works both ways?

The Few Words That Sparked The Revolution

So I worked with Wayne Elise of Charisma Arts over the weekend (Nov 11-12), I enjoyed the event a lot, and even went out the first night to really posh and upscale penthouse bar in downtown NYC. One of the biggest things that have plagued me since I started working with my social skills is the social anxiety that comes with it. It is the same exact feeling I get when I am about to go on stage to play my violin back in high school or when I am about to give a presentation in front of hundreds of people.

We all know it, it grips the heart and it overwhelms your senses. I bite on my tongue and just wish that I am at home, sound asleep in my warm bed under the thick covers snowing outside. It is a common emotion that we all can connect with, and people would try in anyway to avoid it. I actually avoided going out on purpose (and still do the same now, but for different reasons) to meet people and practice socialization and meeting pretty girls.

It is probably the biggest INNER game issue that we face, and I say inner because no amount of practice or thousands of approaches that those egotistic community guys say is required can fix being nervous in approaching women. All the approaches in the world won't fix your approach anxiety problem if you don't really understand the source of it.

Working with theBirthdayPony (whom’s blog is on my links), and Juggler himself, I was able to figure it out.

The ULTIMATE source of approach anxiety is that you are seeking a GOOD reaction.

If you don't get this good reaction from somebody, you feel really bad about it and wondered in the first place why you approached anyway. The problem is that you are seeking their APPROVAL through the approach and very unfortunately, people will always be people. People are human, and humans have emotions and different moods.

You CANNOT be selfish and expect everybody to give you a smile or even a phone number just to make you happy. Everybody is different, at different times of the day, their emotions change, and one moment they could have dropped their Wrigley's on the floor, or in another moment they just found out that their grandson has been hospitalized for sniffing glue. Which I still haven't taken account the near infinite combinations of all the different types of personalities and people out there, a happy guy could be having a bad day, and a mailman could be feeling euphoric at the same moment.

I worked with Wayne Elise during the seminar exercise. Where he was the hot girl and I was the guy trying to seduce him. I think it went something like this, first try:

JC: You look like a friendly, I'm JC.
Wayne: Well, I'm not.
JC: ...um...

That didn't go well. Then the magical words. He told me that I was seeking a GOOD reaction from that person, and I should seek the WORST possible reaction ever when I approach.

You don't need to pay Juggler hundreds of dollars to work with you; you can do this yourself with a little focus change. That little synapse in your brain moving a few nanometers is a big savings from moving cash from your wallet.

So the point that I got from this, is that one should NEVER approach to get approval or an ego boost from a good reaction. Because the reality is, people just AREN'T that friendly at first, you have to open up to them. And you have to think about it from their perspective.
If a well dressed and really confident guy walked up to me, and my housecat just died, would I be acting as if you were Brad Pitt?

You would then use Question, Statement, Question, Statement. And NEVER ask two questions in a roll, and as you are making those statements and relating to her (initially) WEAK answers, be sure you are talking from the "I" perspective to let the other person warm up to you easily. THAT is how you get a good reaction, it's foolproof. That is how most people would react, you will get a good reaction when they warm up to you and discover how warm and friendly you are. THAT IS THE WAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH from now on.

I didn't need 1000 approaches to get to this; I didn't need to bungee jump with a rat in my butt. I only have done about 40-50 cold approaches to pretty girls in the past year, but I feel no fear when I approaching strangers anymore. I instead try to make them happy, that is the ONLY focus I’ll have when i am approaching.

I do not need their good reaction to be happy, because I know that when they open up to me, they will enjoy our conversation and share emotions.

Approaching is fun. I learned how to tie my scarf in 3 different ways on the train with this lady and I can approach girls without hesitation. I still get Anxiety, but it is a FUN anxiety, and it feels more like excitement... like before you go on a roller coaster (but less intense, more rewarding). I welcome the feelings i get inside my body, because in the end, I am human and I have emotions. Don't fight it, don't beat yourself up because you are feeling nervous. You don't need to approach thousands to get use to it either, just change your beliefs. Expect the worst, experience the best.

More to come on my thoughts of the community and a foolproof way to influence people to your ideas and making people love you. Stay tuned.

JC

Introductions

Welcome to my blog, I am throughly terrible at giving introductions so I'll keep this short and talk a little about the contents and of course, my name.

I worked with my socialness during all of last year, probably started the little spark when I was graduating from High School on June of 2005. I read an ebook that my good writer friend from Trowbridge all the way in England sent me called The Weapons of Mass Seduction. So after reading that book and feeling like a train hit me when it came to the way I view the world and especially woman, I actually tapped the shoulder of my lifelong crush (we went to elementary, middle, and high school together) and whispered the first words ever to her ears. I couldn't believe the moment, and how I did it, but I told her "How come we never talked to each other during all these years?".

She looked at me in the eye, and we shared a moment. Breathless and frozen in time, our hearts interwined, I was being the man, and she was the girl.

Since then, I realized what my life was missing and I dedicated my life to practicing my social skills and meeting cool cats. I read Neil Strauss's The Game, and took a dating workshop back in January 2006, and worked with Charisma Arts with Wayne Elise just in november.

Wayne said a few words to me, a few words that sparked the revolution. He was the bitchy girl and I had to seduce him.

That is the meat of the next post, and a few thoughts on the community and it's people as well. I hope you guys will have a bit of fun reading it and perhaps even learn a few things from it.