Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Few Words That Sparked The Revolution

So I worked with Wayne Elise of Charisma Arts over the weekend (Nov 11-12), I enjoyed the event a lot, and even went out the first night to really posh and upscale penthouse bar in downtown NYC. One of the biggest things that have plagued me since I started working with my social skills is the social anxiety that comes with it. It is the same exact feeling I get when I am about to go on stage to play my violin back in high school or when I am about to give a presentation in front of hundreds of people.

We all know it, it grips the heart and it overwhelms your senses. I bite on my tongue and just wish that I am at home, sound asleep in my warm bed under the thick covers snowing outside. It is a common emotion that we all can connect with, and people would try in anyway to avoid it. I actually avoided going out on purpose (and still do the same now, but for different reasons) to meet people and practice socialization and meeting pretty girls.

It is probably the biggest INNER game issue that we face, and I say inner because no amount of practice or thousands of approaches that those egotistic community guys say is required can fix being nervous in approaching women. All the approaches in the world won't fix your approach anxiety problem if you don't really understand the source of it.

Working with theBirthdayPony (whom’s blog is on my links), and Juggler himself, I was able to figure it out.

The ULTIMATE source of approach anxiety is that you are seeking a GOOD reaction.

If you don't get this good reaction from somebody, you feel really bad about it and wondered in the first place why you approached anyway. The problem is that you are seeking their APPROVAL through the approach and very unfortunately, people will always be people. People are human, and humans have emotions and different moods.

You CANNOT be selfish and expect everybody to give you a smile or even a phone number just to make you happy. Everybody is different, at different times of the day, their emotions change, and one moment they could have dropped their Wrigley's on the floor, or in another moment they just found out that their grandson has been hospitalized for sniffing glue. Which I still haven't taken account the near infinite combinations of all the different types of personalities and people out there, a happy guy could be having a bad day, and a mailman could be feeling euphoric at the same moment.

I worked with Wayne Elise during the seminar exercise. Where he was the hot girl and I was the guy trying to seduce him. I think it went something like this, first try:

JC: You look like a friendly, I'm JC.
Wayne: Well, I'm not.

That didn't go well. Then the magical words. He told me that I was seeking a GOOD reaction from that person, and I should seek the WORST possible reaction ever when I approach.

You don't need to pay Juggler hundreds of dollars to work with you; you can do this yourself with a little focus change. That little synapse in your brain moving a few nanometers is a big savings from moving cash from your wallet.

So the point that I got from this, is that one should NEVER approach to get approval or an ego boost from a good reaction. Because the reality is, people just AREN'T that friendly at first, you have to open up to them. And you have to think about it from their perspective.
If a well dressed and really confident guy walked up to me, and my housecat just died, would I be acting as if you were Brad Pitt?

You would then use Question, Statement, Question, Statement. And NEVER ask two questions in a roll, and as you are making those statements and relating to her (initially) WEAK answers, be sure you are talking from the "I" perspective to let the other person warm up to you easily. THAT is how you get a good reaction, it's foolproof. That is how most people would react, you will get a good reaction when they warm up to you and discover how warm and friendly you are. THAT IS THE WAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH from now on.

I didn't need 1000 approaches to get to this; I didn't need to bungee jump with a rat in my butt. I only have done about 40-50 cold approaches to pretty girls in the past year, but I feel no fear when I approaching strangers anymore. I instead try to make them happy, that is the ONLY focus I’ll have when i am approaching.

I do not need their good reaction to be happy, because I know that when they open up to me, they will enjoy our conversation and share emotions.

Approaching is fun. I learned how to tie my scarf in 3 different ways on the train with this lady and I can approach girls without hesitation. I still get Anxiety, but it is a FUN anxiety, and it feels more like excitement... like before you go on a roller coaster (but less intense, more rewarding). I welcome the feelings i get inside my body, because in the end, I am human and I have emotions.
Don't fight it, don't beat yourself up because you are feeling nervous. You don't need to approach thousands to get use to it either, just change your beliefs. Expect the worst, experience the best.

More to come on my thoughts of the community and a foolproof way to influence people to your ideas and making people love you. Stay tuned.



Eugene from BC said...

I agree man, instead of expecting something and getting disapointed, we have to expect the worst and get surprised ; )

Anonymous said...

"I didn't need to bungee jump with a rat in my butt"

Is this something that other PUA's have advocated to eliminate approach anxiety?

/Furiously takes notes...

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