A Piece of My Mind - Trying Hard

So I'll give you a piece of my mind, right now I am desperately trying to change my sleep time table to a earlier mark so I can actually wake up at an healthy time and SEE the morning again. I haven't seen the morning in a long time actually, probably in half a year. My body rejected the sleep, thinking it was a nap, so I started at 10pm and wearing earplugs (they are a godsend) and then I popped up at 12:19am when those fuckers started making noise again, then at 1:19 I woke again, having that feeling I overslept and had too much to nap. I am willing to sacrifice tomorrow (a day's full of concentration and newspaper interviews) to get better sleep. I want to get use to living further on the edge, perhaps just until the point I die.

I've been pussyfooting around, in my yearlong development of becoming better with people and women, I realize that although I have made progress, I haven't done NEARLY enough to get where I want.

This isn't an inspirational post, this is more of a kick myself out so i'll thank myself for later post. The difference is, I don't feel good writing this one, it's just something thats so necessary.

I met about 4 girls in the past week, I think two of them I got contact information but never followed up because I didn't like them enough. Usually I sit with them at lunch and eat with them. In my mind I am thinking I am doing enough, but when I am not getting the results I want, thats a pretty damn good indication of not doing good enough.

I been doing a year of this, mostly reading material most of the time than actually going out to practice socializing and flirting with girls. Some guys are getting alot better than me and they are perhaps only a few months behind me, they been really pushing themselves.

I realize, not everyone succeeds at things. Especially those who see something as a mere distraction than a lifestyle. It takes a lifestyle at something to become really good at it, so those athletes you see playing ball failed and tried probably a THOUSAND times as hard as people who played merely as a distraction for a while and then gave up.

That's how they got there today.

I was feeling shit the whole day, this girl stopped talking to me, I got deadlines and much academic stress to meet, my roommates aren't getting along with me and I don't feel like I fit in, and yadda yadda. I don't even want to hear it.

But you know what, despite what you or I may think. It is NOT the parts of your life that you are feeling good and on vacation and falling in life that are the BEST in your life. It is those times you struggled and fought back and killed a thousand ninjas and survived that truly do you feel like you lived through something.

In most battles, it is a Battlefield of the mind.

The outside world is as easy as it comes, you can easily do anything you want. I realize half of easily doing what you want, is to fight your mind. Perhaps years and years of shyness or fear prevents you from making a phone call to a totally random stranger (I had phoneophobia for a while), but then I wonder how those telemarketers calling thousands of people and having freakshows and just really mean people yell at you do it, and they do it well, or else telemarketers would have died out long ago. (Much to our dismay)

Tomorrow I am going to try harder, I feel bad about one girl, my mentor Anthony is great with people because feeling bad about girls and getting rejected is a super common occurance. He simply has failed and pushed much more than most people to get where he is today, he is human. Just one of the most amazing people because I realize barely ANYONE in the world has this dedication and endurance. (If you think lifting weights at the gym is hard, try talking to 3 strangers and making them like you)

People who are really good at something aren't gods. They are simply really bad at something and do it so constantly that eventually, 1 out of 1000 failures constitutes a success. Then that little number starts to build up and we think they are amazing by the time it becomes 3.

The rest of us leave it to chance. Don't even think about those people getting lucky, thats the way life is, living with my shitty roommates right now is a maturity lesson of it's own. It made me realize how awesome living with my parents were and I could go to sleep without Hindi music blasting in my ears 3am at night.

I realize I may not make it, I may not be able to be that strong. It's rare anybody is that strong and extraordinary, but I try and push my boundaries and think of fear as being a lesson. I have alot more to say, but I must go to sleep.

You are extraordinary too, you are already it, or it's inside you. You may not make it too, but we try and try and fail and fail. Lets do it.

I am adding Susan to "Girl Who Rejected Me #23", she is exiled from my mind and I am moving on easily, lets try to catch up to Anthony's 1000th rejection.