I love this blog, I shed my emotions and lifeblood onto here into a form for all to see. I have nothing to hide, nothing to hold inside me, nothing to be ashamed of. And I write here because I know my blog is a bit more quiet now to use as my sanctuary.
As of now its pass midnight of Jan 31st, 2008. It's been a year since I had my first taste with a college relationship. Time has passed and lessons cherished and I feel like I'm back at the beginning again.
Of course it hurts, I still feel like theres much more to go. But I have so much direction in my goals right now, my focus is set and stronger than ever before.
Empires and Gods taken down by a woman. I don't ever stop though, I will not ever give up. I will be out there as honest as I can be without holding anything back.
I am this person, I keep trying and putting myself fully out there. Nothing will ever change me, because I know I will always be looking for more.
Thank you Michelle for the wonderful time. I do not feel bad, I do not look towards anyone for my happiness anymore. You have given me the belief that I can be liked for just being my silly potty JC.
I thank you for buying me lunch and those soft kisses.
I won't forget it. But for now, I ponder once more into the unknown. I search the high seas looking for a new island, and the currents are treacherous but I have sharpened my sailing instruments and instinct.
I look for my alabaster love once more when the storms clear.
-JC
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Throwing away something Beautiful
To break down a human being into a set of preconceived equations and formulas is wrong and unrealistic.
This is why I love psychology but will never be a psychologist. I just can't imagine doing this for a living. But back to the point I want to make here.
Lately, it feels like I have awoken from a long slumber.
And I am not here to change anything, I am not here to disagree with status quo, it's just the way things are that I see as the biggest tragedy of being human. But it helped me connect with the world, and understand it as more (for the lack of a better word) human.
I see people constantly throwing away something beautiful in their lives.
Left and right of me, people I look up to, people I love, people who are much better looking than me, people from different backgrounds, weathly people, the mentors in my life. Basically, I see this with almost every person I have connected with for at least a while.
And from everything, a career, a relationship, anything they don't feel like they deserve. It's like those lotto winners, who blow their millions in an intense period of spending and a year later they are at the exact same wealth level if not less.
I understand, I think, it's a self-protecting mechanism that our emotions set for us. We are presented with a role we are not ready to play, perhaps unconciously. And we throw that way as quickly as possible without giving it a chance.
It reminds me of something I have read not too long ago, its a study about the difference of kids who are praised for smart and kids who are praised for their hard work as they were being raised.
The ones that are showered with compliments about them being smart, wouldn't do anything that they are not smart at, and they disqualify themselves before they even try. Because they simply cannot give themselves room to potentially fail at something, and insist that they aren't quite as smart as their parents raised them all their lives to be. They would rather be smart than to be seen as a failure. That's understandable.
Those who are complimented by their parents for their hard work are given the same problem as the smart kids. But they see it as a chance to improve and challenge themselves. They feel hard work can transcend everything and any problem, and often, these are the people that are most successful in our society.
But what does that have to do with throwing away something beautiful?
Perhaps if a nickel was given to me everytime I see a couple that seem to click and they seem perfect for each other and then seeing them breakup a short period later, I would be living at the Plaza Hotel and eating steak every night.
I guess this is why bankers date bankers, poor date the poor, celebrities dating celebrities.
Do you see the correlation now?
You aren't just born this way. There's a way to change, provided you believe that you deserve it. The world is a malleable place, just as much as you are. Play the role. The rich person, the successful person, the seductive personality, the sensual lover, the hardened journalist, the father, mother, the smart person. Try it, taste it, don't just get rid of it.
I am one of those that is still trying to convince myself sometimes. Why does this person like me for who I am? What do I have going for me?
Then starting today, I tell myself. Knock it off kid. Just go along with it stupid, and don't throw away something so beautiful.
Why shouldn't you deserve everything?
This is why I love psychology but will never be a psychologist. I just can't imagine doing this for a living. But back to the point I want to make here.
Lately, it feels like I have awoken from a long slumber.
And I am not here to change anything, I am not here to disagree with status quo, it's just the way things are that I see as the biggest tragedy of being human. But it helped me connect with the world, and understand it as more (for the lack of a better word) human.
I see people constantly throwing away something beautiful in their lives.
Left and right of me, people I look up to, people I love, people who are much better looking than me, people from different backgrounds, weathly people, the mentors in my life. Basically, I see this with almost every person I have connected with for at least a while.
And from everything, a career, a relationship, anything they don't feel like they deserve. It's like those lotto winners, who blow their millions in an intense period of spending and a year later they are at the exact same wealth level if not less.
I understand, I think, it's a self-protecting mechanism that our emotions set for us. We are presented with a role we are not ready to play, perhaps unconciously. And we throw that way as quickly as possible without giving it a chance.
It reminds me of something I have read not too long ago, its a study about the difference of kids who are praised for smart and kids who are praised for their hard work as they were being raised.
The ones that are showered with compliments about them being smart, wouldn't do anything that they are not smart at, and they disqualify themselves before they even try. Because they simply cannot give themselves room to potentially fail at something, and insist that they aren't quite as smart as their parents raised them all their lives to be. They would rather be smart than to be seen as a failure. That's understandable.
Those who are complimented by their parents for their hard work are given the same problem as the smart kids. But they see it as a chance to improve and challenge themselves. They feel hard work can transcend everything and any problem, and often, these are the people that are most successful in our society.
But what does that have to do with throwing away something beautiful?
Perhaps if a nickel was given to me everytime I see a couple that seem to click and they seem perfect for each other and then seeing them breakup a short period later, I would be living at the Plaza Hotel and eating steak every night.
I guess this is why bankers date bankers, poor date the poor, celebrities dating celebrities.
Do you see the correlation now?
You aren't just born this way. There's a way to change, provided you believe that you deserve it. The world is a malleable place, just as much as you are. Play the role. The rich person, the successful person, the seductive personality, the sensual lover, the hardened journalist, the father, mother, the smart person. Try it, taste it, don't just get rid of it.
I am one of those that is still trying to convince myself sometimes. Why does this person like me for who I am? What do I have going for me?
Then starting today, I tell myself. Knock it off kid. Just go along with it stupid, and don't throw away something so beautiful.
Why shouldn't you deserve everything?
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